Wednesday, 13 September 2017

Meet the Bachelor Canada's 20 Probable Future Ex-Fiances

Does the title of this post sound...oh, I don't know...a tad cynical to you? Should I tone it down a notch or two? Yah, but no. Damn it, I'm keeping it. I have little or no hope for this season. I am very sure we will be presented with more proof that it's the journey that's important, not a lasting relationship. This will be the fourth installment in The Bachelor/Bachelorette CANADA franchise, and so far no relationships have lasted.

Anyway, here are the girls vying for What's-His-Name's...whatever.

I'll post my first impressions as I go and/or get around to it. Some are just too darn easy. When I first looked at them, I thought, "How did they get the cast of The Bachelorette so right, but this seems so awfully wrong?" But now that I've had a closer look, I've come to realize these are very pretty girls. Some are downright stunning.

But...I'm still not sure about this lead. What the hell was wrong with Mike? Or that sexy tongue guy with the flowing, dark hair? What did Jasmine call him? Oh yeah...Sensual Tongue. Or what about Kyle, the giant cat-guy? He was adorable.

Also, fair warning. If you are looking for some damn politically correct, SJW reflective writing or if you are some sort of whack-job shipper looking for affirmation of your fixation...this is not the place for you. I will be just as critical as every other season. I'm going to have fun with the absurdity.

Brittany M, 27
Calgary, Alta.
Humanitarian/Pageant Queen

"Humanitarian and pageant queen Brittany is always poised and perfectly together. But don’t let the pageant smile fool you, Brittany loves a bit of drama. She’s bringing everything to the table – “mind, body and soul” – in hopes of winning the Bachelor’s heart."
Humanitarian-slash-Pageant Queen, eh? That's it? Nothing waitress or flight attendant or perhaps student? Or is Humanitarian-slash-Pageant Queen the new code for "aspiring actress"? Okay, I know from experience that I should give pageant queens a chance on this show. After all, we had Trisha who turned out to be a gem and a fan favourite. But the bit about loving a bit of drama is worrisome. We may be looking at a trouble-maker here. The preview shows Brittany as a Bachelor-hoarder...she asks for extra time with him and the others are pissed.
My final assessment is she'll go far with pull by production, but she's not the one.

Catie, 29
Toronto, Ont.
Lawyer/Meditation Coach

"Catie started meditating as an articling student, and it changed her life. The lawyer and mediation coach has spent a lot of time “figuring herself out” – all she needs now is someone who can truly appreciate all she has to offer. Catie is hoping that her optimism and enthusiasm for life will set her apart and catch the Bachelor’s attention".
So far, I've got little more than she looks cute. She seems confident and she says her life is fulfilling. But she also says she is an optimist and that's what optimists ALWAYS say, don't they? I may be overly pessimistic, but I don't think a Lawyer can ever be an optimist, let alone meditate.
Just kidding! I really like this one.

Dee, 32
Kitchener, Ont.
Spray Tan Business Owner

"Dee is a spray-tan business owner and a self-proclaimed “princess tomboy” who loves to ride and race dirt bikes. Her daughter means more to her than anything in the world, and she’s hoping to meet a funny, considerate, and kind-hearted man to help make their lives complete."
The term, "Princess Tomboy" tells me that she may love to race dirt bikes, but the minute she gets to a puddle, she's going to insist Chris pick up her and her bike so she doesn't get mud on her $1,200 Manolo Blahnik boots. I imagine she'll last a bit, just based on her enthusiasm & out-going personality. But, I hate to say it - a potential fiance with a daughter can only get far on this show when their name is Emily Maynard. But then, who knows?

Jessie, 25
Emo, Ont.
Youth Care Practitioner

"This reformed rebel has a cause! Jessie was once kicked out of her parents’ house for being too rebellious, but has since turned her life around and now counts her family as her biggest support system. Today, she has her master’s degree and is dedicated to helping at risk youth. Jessie has come a long way and she’s hoping the Bachelor will join her for the rest of the ride!"
I have no idea where Emo, Ontario is, but it sounds like THE place to raise a rebellious teenager. Wait...I Googled it. Yep, it's literally in the middle of Nowhere, Ontario - almost at the Manitoba border. I'll bet Jessie used to have black hair and write about trying to find herself in a world full of people she hates. But, good for her turning her life around like that. All of which will be a long story to tell Chris during the Meet & Greets on the first night. She's the prime candidate for the First Impression Rose.

Kait, 29
Victoria, B.C.
Luxury Travel Nomad

"Kait is a self-proclaimed “luxury travel nomad” with a jet-setting lifestyle and a recently broken heart.  After spending the last five years globetrotting, Kait has returned to Canada to start a new chapter. She’s looking for a man she can trust… could the Bachelor be her next travel companion?"
Okay, usually I would say something like "Luxury Travel Nomad" is just another euphemism for "unemployed Princess." In her video, she elaborates her job is hard to explain, but she takes people on luxury vacations. Mokay. That clears up everything. But come on. Just look at those eyebrows...they're a big giveaway. Can you imagine the resting bitch-face those eyebrows will enhance? And that bio! It could have actually been the bio of Harmony on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Spent the last few years "globetrotting" eh? Was her heart perchance broken by some guy named Spike? I'm convinced it's all some sort of ruse and perhaps Chris should watch his neck before she turns him into one of her minions whose sole aim is to take out Buffy and the Scooby gang. Warning: Do not invite her in. Especially if she offers you her garter belt - garters are snakes too, if you know what I mean.

Typical mer-squirrelmaid
Lisa, 24
St. Catharines, Ont.

"Quirky Lisa is one-of-a-kind. She makes her own mermaid costumes and loves “mermaiding” in public. She adores squirrels and has amassed a huge online following as the internet “Squirrel Girl.” Lisa has never been in love before, but she’s hoping to find her happily ever after with the Bachelor."
Praise Poseidon, we got ourselves a real winner here! When production hands you a gem like this, sometimes ya just have to run with it. Know what I'm saying? I honestly do not know what's funnier. An inland mermaid - doe she swim in Lake Ontario? Or that she "mermaids in public"? Do we want to know what that is (I have a mental image of her flapping around on the ground)? Or is it the bit about squirrels? Hey, anyway you look at it, Lisa is bound to be this season's "costume girl." You can start taking bets on which costume it will be. Mermaid? Squirrel? Maybe some kind of mutated mer-squirrelmaid hybrid? Or will Lisa be Canada's own "Shark Girl" and producers will trick her into slipping into a beaver costume instead? You know, just so everyone will say, "Hey, you're a beaver!" but she'll insist she's a squirrel. Strange though...Lisa's never been in love before. Go figure. Thank you W Network for this gift.
She'll probably survive the first night plus an episode or two because she's spunky and a bit daft.

Lyndsey, 23
Vancouver, B.C.

"Lyndsey is a successful publicist who is not afraid to take chances, having moved to New York City when she was only 19 to start her career. Not easily rattled and wise beyond her years, she prides herself on being able to hold her own in any situation. Lyndsey may be young, but she’s ready to find “her person” and begin a love story."
Lyndsey seems too normal. I got nothing. So either we don't know her full bio and she's hiding some serious character flaws or she stands a real chance with Chris.

Meghan, 24
Deer Lake, N.L.

"Meghan may be working as a waitress in her small Newfoundland hometown, but she considers herself a city girl at heart. Unlucky in love, Meghan admits to being impulsive and falling hard and fast for all the wrong guys. She is looking for a man who will be committed to her and have her back, and she’s hoping the Bachelor will be The One."
Ruh-roh. Looks like we got a possible stage 4 clinger here: 
Unlucky at love. Check.
Falls hard and fast for all the wrong guys. Check.
Looking for a commitment. Check.
Hopes Chris is "The One". Check.

If she lasts past the Meet & Greets, Chris may have a hard time getting rid of her. She may also be the jealous type. Or even this season's crier. She also strikes me as the kind we'll end up loving, just because of her idiosyncrasies. Go figure.

Pricilla, 32
Vancouver, B.C.

"Music may be her passion but there’s definitely room in Pricilla’s heart for another great love! While this singer/songwriter has no problem meeting men, she wants more than just physical attraction. Pricilla’s looking for a partner she can grow with mentally, spiritually and emotionally…is the Bachelor up for the challenge?"
Another one I have yet to consider, I mean apart from someone who is a possible recruit looking for self-promotion and a break into the big time, I have no response.

Stacy, 25
Victoria, B.C.
Restaurant Manager

"Stacy knows exactly what she wants – she just hasn’t found it yet. The restaurant manager has never been in a serious relationship, but can’t wait to find the person with whom she can spend the rest of her life. Level headed and family oriented, Stacy is holding out for a stand-up guy who shares her values."
Nothing yet. I'll have to think about this tomorrow. Or next week. Or not. I just don't think she has much hope. I hope she's the type who gives good Limo-Cries.

April, 35
Vancouver, B.C.
Business Analyst

"Family comes first for April, whose supportive parents and sisters form the backbone of her social world. Raised as a first-generation Canadian to Vietnamese immigrant parents, she believes marriage is about teamwork. She is hoping the Bachelor is the perfect addition to an already close-knit crew and is as ready as she is to get started on his own family."
Her bio screams she wants babies soon. And lots of them. If she brings that up in their first convo, Chris might bolt.
Ashley, 31
Sooke, B.C.

"Athletic Ashley knows what she wants and is strong enough to go get it. Not afraid to listen to her heart, Ashley once called off a wedding knowing marriage wasn’t the right thing for her at the time. Today, she is ready to settle down and hopes the Bachelor is ready to jump into the next adventure with her."
Sometimes, I just get gut feelings when I look at these profile pics. And my gut says Final 4. Also note: My gut is almost always wrong.

Brittany W, 29
Surrey, B.C.
Business Owner

"This blonde bombshell loves to laugh and is looking for a partner who shares her optimistic, happy-go-lucky attitude. Close to her family and proud of her faith, Brittany may be up for any adventure but she also has a five year plan that includes a husband and family of her own. She’s hoping the Bachelor is ready to follow her lead."
All I got is...
Chelsea, 26
Lethbridge, Alta.
Psychiatric Nurse

"This die-hard Blue Jays fan is hoping to hit a homerun with the Bachelor! Chelsea broke off her engagement last spring when she realized she was literally taking her work home as she tried to “fix” her troubled fiancé. Her goal today is to find a solid man who shares her passionate, no-holds-barred approach to life."
NOPE again.
Lara, 27
Baltimore, Ont.
Automotive Financial Manager

"Lara is a self-described country girl in city-girl clothes who is looking for an easy-going guy to bring balance to her life. The first person in her family to attend university, she’s a high achiever who hopes the Bachelor is a man who can appreciate her loyal, genuine nature."
Going by her profile pic alone, there's something about her that makes me think she's a keeper. Maybe she just has a Tea Leoni-type look to her. And nothing really stands out in her bio. That's why she's a Final Four pic for me.

Madelaine, 33
North Bay, Ont.
Medical Secretary

"Trained dancer Madelaine may have learned to be disciplined at the National Ballet School, but just like her weakness for chocolate, she has a major soft spot for true love. Growing up with 11 siblings has taught her the importance of family and she’s ready to start one of her own with the Bachelor."
Eleven siblings. ELEVEN. I bet Madelaine's extended family takes up half the population of North Bay. Can you imagine the holiday dinners? I'm thinking if Chris ends up with her, they should really move far, far away.

Mikaela, 27
Winnipeg, Man.
Fashion PR

"Fearless and independent, Mikaela struck out on her own at the age of 19 to begin a new life in the big city. With talent and sheer determination, she managed to make her mark in the competitive fashion industry and she hasn’t looked back since. She’s hoping the Bachelor will be exactly her style!"
Unlike the fake WWE, the competitive fashion industry is no joke. Those people mean business. It's downright cutthroat. Sure, Mikaela looks like the girl-next-door type, but my unnamed sources have informed me her weapon of choice is pinking sheers. Seriously, Mikaela might go far but can she make it to Final 4?

Shaleen, 27
Toronto, Ont.
Aspiring Model

"Shaleen has a gorgeous smile, goofy personality and a whole lot of sass! She’s a Scorpio who likes to go after what she wants and she isn’t afraid to “pull out the claws” to get it. Confident in who she is, Shaleen is ready to take the plunge and fall in love."
Oh oh. We know what "she isn't afraid to pull out the claws" means. She' going to be the one keeping track of all the girls who say, "May I grab him for a second?" And god help the girl *cough* Brittany M *cough* who tries to grab him more than once. Hey, maybe Chris likes sass, you never know..

Shanti, 31
Winnipeg, Man.
Real Estate Student

"Shanti is an over-the-top diva and a self-described “open-minded romantic.”  Not afraid to share her opinions, she’s looking for someone who isn’t intimidated by a strong woman. Shanti is hoping the Bachelor will be the “real man” she’s been looking for."
I'm inclined to think Shanti will be a Final 4 choice for me - after all, she's gorgeous. But I'm not thrilled with the "over-the-top diva" bit. I think that translates to Drama Queen. Blech.
Stephanie, 27
Dublin, Ireland
Executive Assistant

"Though she grew up in Ireland, Stephanie was born in Canada and has always wanted to put her passport to good use. She came to Vancouver with her boyfriend, looking for a bit of adventure…but instead, they promptly broke up. Stephanie has managed to build a life on her own in Canada – now, all that’s missing is a nice Canadian boy."
If Chris keeps her past the first night Meet & Greets, it will probably be because of her Irish accent or he hopes she'll knit him an aran sweater.






Note: All original photography courtesy Corus Entertainment. Additional artwork by Sue's Reality Canada (That's ME!!!)

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