Monday, 29 February 2016

The BBCan Grand Hotel: A Review from a Disgruntled Accidental Tourist

The new house is spectacular beyond words.


Instead of the standard ho-hum review of the new house - where I just throw up some pics and go oooh, aaaah, I thought I might do something a little different this year. Have some fun with it. This is a review by an accidental hotel guest - and he posted pictures.


The BBCan Grand Hotel
Toronto, Ontario, Canada

We'd love your opinion! Please take some time to answer a few questions. Anything you can share will help other travellers choose their perfect hotel. Thanks.

Does this hotel offer rooms with a great view?
Are u friggin kidding me? All the rooms had windows but they were all blacked out. We couldn't see squat.
Does this hotel have an indoor swimming pool?
Yes, but nobody ever wanted to use it.
Did this hotel have a hot tub?
Yes, but I heard someone peed in it. Strange thing is, they preferred it over the pool.
Did this hotel have a flatscreen TV?
Just one big one in the lobby. It only had one channel. There was only one show and it was only on once a week. Weird show, too. Like something out of The Twilight Zone. The Host seemed like she was talking directly to us. Pretty lady, though.
Is this a luxury hotel?
It sure looked swanky. Bright, airy. Like one of those Vegas hotels I brought the wife to a few years back. I think they just did a major remodel. 
Is this a budget hotel?
Must have been. There were only two bedrooms that they shoved all 14 of us in. After one person checked out, two more people showed up. Foreigners, too. Kind of shady. There was only 1 bathroom and that was down the hall. Also, I always felt like someone was watching. You know, like one of those creepy motels people warn you about.
Is this a romantic hotel?
You bet. People were making out anywhere they could find a private spot. One time, I went to have a shower and . . . nevermind.
Is this a trendy hotel?
I guess so. Thousands of people wanted in. The other guests sure were excited when they checked in. No one wanted to leave. They had to be told to leave, and many went out kicking and screaming.
Did this hotel have security?
Oh yes! There were cameras everywhere. And when I say everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE. Even the bathroom. I understand the need for such a high level of security these days. You know how it is. But still. Another thing I thought was strange was they locked us all in the hotel. Does that sound right to you?
Did this hotel have wi-fi?
I was a little confused about that. They don't allow cellphones, tablets, or laptops BUT I later heard people were talking about us on Twitter and Instagram. How the hell could that happen?
Did this hotel have any other activities?
Yes. They MADE you play these games that decided which room you got. So annoying. Look, if I wanted to do that kind of stuff, I would have taken a Caribbean cruise.
Did this hotel have Room Service?
Room Service? What room service? Oh, sure there was a huge sign that said, "JACKPOT RESTAURANT", but it was just a friggin kitchen! We had to make all our own food.
Did this hotel offer a variety of room types?
Yep. The best they had was a private suite. It even had an ensuite bathroom. The cheapest room was like a little empty crap-hole that you had to share with a couple of other unfortunates. To make matters worse you could only eat this stuff they said was nutritious. Nutritious my ass! It was the worst slop I've ever had.
Was the staff friendly and courteous?
THERE WAS NO STAFF. I tried to complain to the manager when my sheets didn't get changed. What a waste of time. He wasn't even there and he would only talk over Skype or something. I started to think this job was outsourced. All he said was, "Houseguest! Stop that!" What a dick. How do people get these good managerial jobs these days? 
How long was your stay?
About 70 days, although it was hard to tell. There were no clocks anywhere and we couldn't leave until they kicked us out.
Would you stay there again?
You bet I would! When I checked out, they gave me $100,000, some new furniture, a wardrobe makeover and a bucket of laundry detergent. All I had to do was answer a few questions. Weirdest vacation ever!
Please rate your overall experience and explain why.
I only gave it 4 out of 5 stars because I feel like that Manager didn't pay attention to our needs. He definitely wasn't the "hands-on" type. 
Lastly, if you have any pictures of this hotel, please post them below so other travellers can understand your experience! Thank you.

Disclaimer: This is not a real review. Duh.