14 Things I Learned From The Bachelorette Canada Premiere

Photo Courtesy: Corus/W Network

Right off the bat, I have to say I am much more impressed with The Bachelorette Canada than I ever was with The Bachelor Canada. It seems W Network has gone full steam ahead, producing and promoting their franchised version, creating a far superior product. In comparison, it is no wonder The Bachelor Canada died a miserable death after only two seasons. Twenty bachelors. A new host. Ninety-minute episodes. An After Show hosted by Jennifer Valentyne. Yeah, I'm in.

Now, on to the recap...and instead of a rehash of events, lets do this a little different. Although this isn't my first time watching anything from the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, let's pretend it's a brand new experience.  Here's my list of the things I learned from the premiere:

Get Yourself a Leading Lady with a Good Story.

Jasmine is the perfect Bachelorette. And what is even more important, we know nothing about her going into the series. Unlike the original American series, Jasmine didn't appear in the previous Bachelor Canada, so we have no pre-conceived impressions of her. She's beautiful, intelligent, witty. She's adventurous, seems sincere, has a sense of humour as well as a crazy, maybe impulsive side. She can also talk while skating or riding a bicycle. That's important. Jasmine has a customary, pre-"Journey" sit down with her Mom and sister who ask her how she will know if the guys are there for the right reasons. Oh boy. Here we go. They've already hit us with "the right reasons" schtick. Jasmine gives us the only possible answer to that one: she says she's a good judge of character. We'll see about that. We'll see.  Jasmine also tells us she lost her Father when she was only 12 years old, an event that left her with a fear of commitment, always afraid that the men in her life will leave her. Call me a sucker, but I believe it. BUT, don't be surprised when this revelation continues to raise it's head all throughout the season. To top off our introduction, the big guns are brought in. Yes, that's right. Jillian Harris. Google that name if you don't know her. Jillian is there to make sure Jasmine is okay with all of this, asking if she realizes she may be engaged in a couple of months. Jasmine responds with a resounding, "Meh." Oh great.

Get a Good Host

Noah Cappe is definitely a step up from Tyler Harcott, who was the Ghost-Host of The Bachelor Canada. For some strange reason, we need to have those Host moments, if only to say, "Gentlemen, this is the final rose this evening." Don't ask me why we NEED that, as if we - or Jasmine, or the Bachelors can't see or count. A good host also needs to be like a Love Boat Cruise Director or a Mr. Roarke from Fantasy Island. He must welcome the lead, start the meet and greets, remind the Bachelors of why they are there, and at times be the Lead's counselor when they're confused and in need of some good, honest advice. Noah has enough celebrity that you may ask, "Who IS that?" and of course the answer is he's most recognizable as the host of Carnival Eats. My only criticism is that Noah didn't greet Jasmine with the latest food-on-a-stick.

The extended introductions tell us a lot.

Pay attention! These are the guys who will either stick around OR the ones with whom we are supposed to develop some deep-seated emotional attachment. Is Jasmine's future fiance in there somewhere?  Or are these all red herrings...where is Kevin P and Kevin W? Or David, for that matter? This season, we have six guys who get the special treatment. They are (in order, if you want to read anything into it):

Mikhel
This is a contender. An Aviation Engineer from Ottawa, Mikhel travels a lot. I'm impressed with his casual, cool personality. AND he rides a bike. Va-va-va-voom. Jasmine calls him cute, and she keeps her eye on him as he walks away. That's always a good sign.

Thomas
So I have to admit I made my husband watch the first episode for his impressions of the potentials, cos he usually spots the main contenders, and has some great guy-comments. He picked Catherine out for Sean Lowe. Anyway, just as Thomas steps out of the limo, he says, "Some of these guys are really terrib....OH OH!"  He knew, as did I, Thomas is going to be Jasmine's main distraction for most of the season. And Jasmine can definitely appreciate his many qualities. Like his hair, his eyes, and blah, blah, blah. Give it up, Jasmine. That's not your brain advising you right now. It didn't take Jasmine long to get a nickname for Thomas. "Sexual Tongue." Someone needs to start a parody Twitter account for Sexual Tongue, whose persona could easily become Jasmine's 21st Bachelor.

Benoit
Another contender. French Canadian. Accent. Very handsome. He's the kind of guy who always has a smile on his face. Benoit is one of two whom my husband gave the thumbs up to. And Jasmine likes him too.

Drew
Euuw. This one's no contender. He has another role to fill...see below.

Kyle 
I like big guys. I myself married a man a whole foot taller than me. But this guy isn't just tall, he's a giant of a man at 6'8". He knows it and has a good sense of humour about it. And he's not just a giant, he's a gentle giant. He's a GIANT CAT GUY who has two cats: Miss Moneypenny and Lord Thundercuddles. Kyle has also has devoted a lot of his time to help the Hamilton SPCA. Who couldn't love that? Does Jasmine, though?

Mike
Mike took the early lead as number one contender right out of the gate by giving the limo driver a tip to drive off with the other guys still inside. He scored big points with Jasmine when he told her about losing his Mom at the age of 8. She in turn told Mike of her similar loss and they both agreed their experiences made them leery of finding lasting relationships. It's also interesting that Mike is the only guy Jasmine shared her story with. The result of all this? Jasmine gave Mike the First Impression Rose. But note...this rarely amounts to anything once those dates get going. We'll see this time.

There is ANOTHER

If Jasmine's future intended is not in the group of guys who were given an extended bio introduction, there is one other guy who stands a chance. Kevin P impressed Jasmine a lot. Kevin is the free-spirit who sold all his belongings and became a pirate. Okay, I jest. A deckhand. He's a deckhand. Funny, I thought deckhands were supposed to look like Smee. Kevin P showed up to the meet and greets sick as a dog, presumably with a case of food poisoning. He upchucked just three hours before the festivities began. He steps out of the limo, playing his ukelele (his only remaining personal possession) and sings his own song to Jasmine. He pukes again during the cocktail party. It wasn't until later in the evening before Kevin P got a chance to talk to Jasmine. When he asked about her tattoo, Jasmine told her it was a free gift with purchase. Taco Tuesdays in Bali. Kevin P seemed happy but it was hard to tell if he was ecstatic, brooding or sick. Has he found a girl just as much as a free spirit as he? And for the record, Kevin P is my Husband's number one pick.

All deckhands should be as sexy as Smee

A good villain adds a necessary plot twist

You HAVE to have one. Our heroine will never know what true love is if it wasn't for the bad guy. You can bet your Snidely Whiplash on it.

Ding, ding, ding! We got one!

This year, we have Drew. And make no mistake about it... we knew he'd be our villain the moment he was introduced. He's that typical dark-haired guy who's all business and has an ego to match. Drew's main claim is he can sell ice to an Eskimo, a talent that isn't all that impressive these days, what with global warming and all. Drew also says he can have "the pick of the litter" when it comes to women. Ugh. That's not confidence. That's the definition of Douche Canoe. We hate him already. Blech. He came strolling out the limo and introduced himself way to business-like. I'm sure in his mind he thought he was suave when he told Jasmine he was there to find love. Well, Drew, you might find it under that rock over there. Because Jasmine is not for you. NOT FOR YOU! He pulls Jasmine off for a one-on-one as soon as she walks into the room to address the guys. Later, Chris compliments him for having the confidence to jump right in. Drew tells us he can't stand Chris, and besides he's much better looking (than Chris). All Drew lacks is a long handlebar moustache he can twist between his fingers. I suspect he might even end up tying our heroine to the railway tracks before the final rose is handed out, if just for the Dudley Do-Right among the guys to save her. (hmmn, maybe Mike???)

There is always at least one guy who's in the Friend Zone

Our first one is Chris. We know where this is going. The villainous Drew is going to pick on the more helpless of the herd, picking them off one at a time starting with Chris. Chris will go to Jasmine to tell her he cares about her and must therefore warn that Drew is not there for the right reasons. These Friend-Zone guys never do well. Jasmine's first response will be that Chris needs to think of his own relationship with her. Ignore the others and concentrate on the time he spends with her. Or that Chris lacks confidence. Or it's HER decision and she can take care of herself.  But, of course our main questions are: will she believe Chris, and will she wonder if Drew is showing her a different side than he is with everyone else?

There's a Bro-Pack

These are the guys who promise the world, claim to want to find love, but when they get there it's a COMPLETELY different story. They get caught up in the male bonding experience and forget why they are there. The night passes so quickly when they're having this much fun. These guys forget to go have a good sit-down with Jasmine, or when they do it's so awkwardly sad it's not even worth showing in the episode. It's always this pack that generates the most eliminees the first night. Eddie, Ross, Dana and Taylor. It's usually this pack that also generates our next type of guy...

A guy gets too drunk? Yeah, there's ALWAYS one of those too. 

This time we have a drunk cowboy. Yee-haw! Tony from Calgary. I thought he was cute and had some real potential. Oh well. I won't say I'm mad, Tony. I'm just very disappointed. Tony seems more impressed with the open bar and immediately begins filling up that ten gallon hat of his. He wants everyone to do shots with him. Ugh. There may be 20 guys there, but this is no frat sausage party, Tony! There is a girl in the house. A lady. And why do these drunk guys always wait to have a talk with the lead until they're incoherent? Geesh. The least Tony could have done was take his clothes off and jumped in the pool. You know, a little something for the fans. Oh, and one more thing. With a few exceptions, the drunk always seems to sober up when they leave - it indicates just how long the first night goes on. Truth!

Scott Who?

Scott.
Where?
I don't know. He was around here somewhere a minute ago.

Yes, there is always at least one guy who sneaks through to the end of the evening, gets a rose, but we see very little of in the episode. This time there's some guy named Scott. He's the carpenter. We don't see or hear from the guy at all. But in Scott's defense, he admitted to being a little shy in his bio. Something must have impressed Jasmine about the guy. Maybe it was that little wooden box he made and presented to her. Wrapped it with a nice ribbon and bow too. Or maybe Jasmine really liked what was inside the box. It just leaves me wondering what the heck could have been in that box.

What's in that box, Scott?

There's a Loveable Joker.

The guy with a sense of humour, he too usually spends most of his time in the Bro-Pack. And if you're going to have a joker, then what better place to find one than Windsor, Ontario. David's our man this year. First he shows up in a bright blue suit. He's killing me already with that. Then, when Chris asks if he's got "something planned", he responds with a perfectly-timed, "No. Yaaas!" He sits down with Jasmine and sings her a song. A 3-piece ensemble suddenly nonchalantly walks in the room. Jasmine is taken off-guard with this, finding it endearing. And it was...until he ends his act with a move directed at the Bro Pack ..."Take THAT." Jasmine is not amused and the Bros immediately realized David completely killed the moment. Luckily for David, Jasmine decides to confront her hapless suitor and tells him about his big mistake. For some reason, Jasmine gives him a second chance by giving him the last rose. She made him sweat for it, and maybe he's learned a thing or two about women.

Mr. Jealous

Someone always seems to forget the premise of the show. Doesn't matter if it's the Bachelor or the Bachelorette, the lead is presented with a group of suitors in hopes of finding the right one. Hopefully there is a proposal at the end. But, you can always depend that at least one will become very jealous of the others. Especially if there is kissing. Some even go all out with the jealousy. Others can get downright wacko with it. They will say things like, "If    INSERT NAME HERE    is the type of guy you like, then there is no point in me staying." Good times. This year, expect to see Kevin W fill this role. If you saw the season preview, there is a disturbing shot of Kevin turning creepster. A-HA!!! I thought he reminded me of Nicholson. He'll probably get an early one-on-one date with Jasmine and jump to the conclusion that he is her Mr. Right. But when Jasmine seems to have a good time with some of the other guys, Kevin won't be able to handle it. He won't like sharing his girlfriend with all these other guys. Let's just say, I don't expect him to stay long.

Meet and Greet Schticks

Apparently some of these guys just can't get through a normal introduction to a woman without a prop in their hands or some sort of schtick to add interest to their character. We've got Dana, who does a backflip off the limo hood. Of course, there's Scott and his box. Taylor gave Jasmine a pen that the stole from his hotel room. Eddie fumbled with a telescope, showed Jasmine a star then tells her he named it after her. Seriously??? Chris presented Jasmine with a gift he invented himself - a rose in a vase that ignites with the push of a button. I have NO IDEA what that is supposed to symbolize. Then there's J.P., the Butler in the Buff who exits the limo wearing nothing but his apron and a bow tie. Then he walks into the cocktail party with the rest of the guys. There is just so much wrong there, I don't know where to start. 

Don't let Canada decide squat!!!

Yeah, there was another contest this year, allowing fans to vote on their favourite among 3 to be cast on the show. Why, I don't know. Maybe TPTB thought the same contest from The Bachelor Canada 2 turned out so well. It didn't. This year, Canada picked Eddie Horgan. I tried to remain neutral on the whole thing, even though I knew in my heart of hearts this just wouldn't turn out well. For all the hype, Eddie was barely visible. I think he was bro-ing down with the rest of the Pack. Please, no more of these contests, okay? Don't let Canada decide!!! PLEASE? I think I would rather see a second villain cast. Or maybe a blonde dude.

And finally, Ya gotta have a good After Show these days!

Yep, there's no getting around the fact that if you have a fan-driven TV show, it is an absolute necessity to follow it up with a damn good After Show. I blame Chris Hardwick and all his "Talking"-This and "Talking"-That. Damn you, Hardwick. So, if you're going to have one for The Bachelorette Canada, there is only one person in the entire country that could host it. Jennifer Valentyne. Of course, the name is a happy accident, but Jennifer spent years on CityTV's Breakfast Television reviewing the Bachelor/Bachelorette various incarnations. Watch for more great guests like (drumroll, please) the one, the only, that maple-syrup swiggin' All-Canadian...Daniel Maguire.

Next week, Jasmine and the guys go to Jamaica, and it looks like trouble follows. 

Let the games begin.

And, what did you think of The Bachelorette Canada Premiere? Was it as good as you hoped it would be? How did you do on those predictions?

The Bachelor Canada photos courtesy of Corus/W Network.