It's Time for "DATING TIPS ...with Jasmine"

(A.K.A. My recap of The Bachelorette Canada Episode 2)

Bachelorette Canada Photos Courtesy Corus/W Network

Dating is a hell of a thing to begin with. Now multiply that by 15. I suppose if you're dating fifteen guys simultaneously, even the most experienced person is bound to gain some new insights very quickly. Just the thought of remembering all those names is mind boggling, not to mention who said what and when. So let's follow along with Jasmine's Journey as she discovers her new found role as a Dating Advisor. What valuable lessons will Jasmine pass on to us this week?

As Jasmine arrives at the beautiful Sandals Ochi Beach Resort in Jamaica, she tells us this is the perfect spot to begin a new romance. Maybe one day, she and Mr. Perfect will look back and say, "This is where it all started." Meanwhile the fifteen potential Mr. Perfects invade the resort like a horde of Vikings. Chris cannonballs into the pool. Mikhel says Jamaica is the perfect place to fall in love. Curious how his thoughts mirror Jasmine's, don't you think? Kevin P is pretty sure he had Ebola (I thought pirates always get scurvy?) on the first night, so he sees this as a new chance to get to know Jasmine. Just as the horde calms down, Noah arrives with the first Date Card and warns them that not everyone will get a date this week. Isn't that just great? Noah needs to stop getting the horde all worked up like that. It does no one any good. And just as Noah says that, the camera zooms in on David who already thinks he is the underdog. So, we know where this is going...it doesn't look like the hapless David will get a date this week.

Ironically, it's David who gets to read the Date Card, "Who wants to take me for a wild ride?" And just as we thought, Thomas and his magic Tongue get the first 1-on-1 date. Bamn. It has begun. Andrew is worried he has no shot with Jasmine if she wants "a Saskatchewan boy who looks like a Brazilian, has an accent from eight different parts of the world, and carries around a yoga mat." I think that's a fair assessment.

Jasmine brings Sensual Tongue for a ride alright - in an ATV. Jasmine just can't get her helmet adjusted and attached properly. It's an old trick, but one that has stood the test of time, remaining just as popular today as ever. If you want to get the guy in closer, have him help you with something. Even the Tongue knows this one. I think it's sentient. The thing has a mind of its own, for crying out loud. It pops right out of Thomas' mouth, sees what Jasmine does, then tells Thomas to do the same. Thomas obeys the Tongue and asks Jasmine to help do up his helmet. Jasmine wants to know more about Thomas and wonders if a pretty boy model can get down and dirty. So she hands the driving over to him and they plow through some mud holes. Oh, Thomas doesn't mind getting dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. When it's time for wine on the beach, Thomas carries Jasmine across a little stream. Very gallant of him. She asks him to tell her about himself and Thomas says he started modeling after breaking both his ankles falling off a roof. Jasmine says he has layers, gives him the date Rose and they kiss. They kiss again in the surf. And again in front of a waterfall. Right out of a romance novel. Sadly, it was a frustrating overhead shot, so I couldn't see if Tongue kissed her too.

Meanwhile, back at Viking Central, Chris makes the observation that there are two groups of guys competing for Jasmine. There are the party-animal "Toronto Types" Drew, Kevin W, Andrew, Wale & Kyle (According to Drew, you have to have balls to live in a big city). Then there's the more sensitive, intellectual group like himself, Scott, Seth, Kevin P and Mikhel. Drew finds the first Group Date Card. He's already repeated how he can't stand Chris, "His room is probably covered in little drawings on slips of paper." So when Drew reads the date card, "One love. One heart" he flips it over and says, "Chris." Chris is excited but suspicious that there is another 1-on-1 date. Drew points out "He's (Chris) got a boner." Chris is unfazed by Drew's unoriginal jabs and is still happy when he learns 7 other guys will join him on the date: Benoit; Kevin P; Scott; Seth; Mike; Kyle...and Drew. Drew tells us every one of "his serious exes have been blonde blue-eyed, so she's right in that realm for me." Ugh. I am sure Jasmine will be thrilled to know she makes the grade, Drew.

Jasmine meets her date-with-eight at Tuff Gong, the recording studio where Bob Marley recorded. Jasmine tells them "You can actually smell the history here." 

Say WHAAAT?

Okay, let's just ignore the obvious double-meanings here and move along. Ahem. The guys are split into two groups and must write and sing their own Reggae song to Jasmine. She will pick the winning group who will join her at a cocktail party, while the losers go back to the hotel to rejoin the horde. They even name their groups. The Bachelorette Quartette consists of Mike, Benoit, Scott and Drew. Then there's The Jazz Men, consisting of Kyle, Chris, Seth and Kevin P. Popular Jamaican recording artists, Tonto Metro and Devonte are on hand to help the hopeless ones. Drew gets himself all worked up because he doesn't understand music. He's a salesman, not a performer. It's for shits and giggles, Drew. To see what you're like in an uncomfortable position, and see if you can have fun. It's not really about being the best. And Jasmine noticed that Drew might be a little high-strung. He adds, "I'm from The Six, but I'm not Drake, okay?" Both groups' songs were horrible, but everyone knew it. All but Drew had a good laugh.

Jasmine gives the win to....The Jazz Men. It's pretty clear the win is due to the mellow sounds from Kevin P and his sexy voice. Or maybe Jasmine has already caught on to Drew, and just didn't want to have to deal with having alone time with his highness. Jasmine brings the Jazz Men to a cocktail party at Bamboo Blu, where they are further entertained by Tonto Metro and Devonte. Chris makes the first move, starting the party by dancing with Jasmine. She is a little surprised - she never thought Chris to be that assertive. But it's Seth she pulls aside first for alone time. She's been intrigued by him ever since he first got out of the limo on the first night. She's particularly attracted by his "Trudeau-hair," as she puts it. I'm not 100%, but I think she's referring to Justin and not Pierre. She tells Seth he stands out from the rest, then he steals Thomas' tongue-move. Have Seth and Thomas traded tongue secrets? Intrigued even more, she tells Seth he gives her butterflies. Seth asks if he can kiss her. And that's when it all went to shit.

It's not what Jasmine imagined. In fact it turns out pretty awkward. There was nibbling, lip pulling and waaay too much tongue. I guess it's okay for a tongue to pop out once in awhile, but it has to be invited to her place - not just show up unannounced. All this kissing criticism only creates more awkwardness as she tries again. Why, Jasmine, why? Why couldn't you just stop right there and cordially end the conversation? Just walk away. Now Seth has performance issues. And we cringe as Jasmine learns the hard way that all tongues are not created equal. Now she's questioning if she's been making something out of nothing and imagining her attraction to Seth this whole time.

Awkward kissing...we've all been there.

Meanwhile, Kevin P decides it's his turn for some alone time and walks in, mid-kiss. Now Kevin is feeling the awkwardness. Oh great. But I think maybe Jasmine might have been a bit relieved that someone interrupted. Seth leaves...awkwardly, and truly believes he and Jasmine have connected. Kevin admits to Jasmine he was a little thrown off by seeing her kissing Seth. (I have to wonder what Kevin would think of all the Thomas that Jasmine enjoyed the day before) Jasmine quickly turns the convo around to focus on her and Kevin P. And just as Kevin starts to make real progress, Kyle interrupts. Kevin is not happy about "Ten Feet of Kyle" stealing time like that. (Perhaps one of the best lines of the episode) Interesting that we don't see any of Kyle's alone time with Jasmine, just like we don't see any interaction between Chris and Jasmine.

With the Group Date Rose sitting tauntingly on the table, Seth is positive Jasmine will give it to him. Because he interrupted the Jasmine/Seth kissing session, Kevin is still convinced that Seth and Jasmine share a connection and he has no chance with her. Silly boy. Apparently Jasmine is much more impressed with Kevin's brief conversation than she was with Seth and the awkward kiss. Yep, she gives Kevin P the Rose. Her curiosity is peaked, or maybe Kevin P's brief conversation with Jasmine left her wanting more.

There is a second group date and Wale reads the card. "Who wants to get physical?" David is scared because he knows he doesn't stand a chance against the likes of someone like Kevin W in a display of muscles. He won't have to worry about that because Jasmine chose JP, Andrew, Mikhel, Wale and Kevin W. David is the lone wolf in this pack, the only guy to not get a date with Jasmine this week. Tht's got to hurt. So you have to wonder if Jasmine is applying some good old-fashioned negative reinforcement on David for that whole "Take THAT" move he pulled on night one.

This one's a beach date. It's also a display of testosterone just like David predicted. The guys must wrestle each other. Wale tells Jasmine the guys refer to Kevin W as Captain Canada and Jasmine's interested is peaked. She can't tell if he's just a jock or if he's hiding some real character under that thick exterior testosterone coating. Usually, the guys get carried away on these kind of dates and someone gets hurt. This one just results in some bruised ego. Kevin W thinks he's got this one in the bag when it comes down to him and JP, but JP wrestled in High School and beats the big guy easily. Kevin is dejected. I am not sure why Jasmine didn't take notice. Anyway, Jasmine lets everyone tag along on the after party at the Blue Hole. After all, as Jasmine says, "Wrestling's fun, but now it's time for romance." They play Spin the Bottle Truth or Dare. Obviously everyone picks "Truth." (In the outtakes, we see JP pick Dare, then has to strip) We learn two things. Mikhel had his heart broken twice - by his first two girlfriends. Kevin W has never cheated on any of his girlfriends, but he has been cheated on. Kevin puts a quick end to the game and steals Jasmine away for some alone time.

First of all, I have to say a lot of people are thoroughly taken by Kevin W - on social media. And they see a big connection between him and Jasmine. Me? Not so much. Maybe I am still hung up on the Nicholson vibes I get from him. But I do have to admit they had a nice convo. Kevin told Jasmine about his love for family, and she opened up about her relationship with her Dad, and about his death. But take note, their time together did not result in a kiss, other than the peck on the cheek he gave her. Curious for sure. Maybe we just have to wait to see where this goes. Jasmine has great convos with the other guys too, like Mikhel. She likes him a lot. But she ends up giving the Group Date Rose to Kevin. Mikhel was clearly disheartened, but I got the feeling he learned something from it. Maybe he needs to step things up a bit.

With three roses already handed out, there are only 10 more to be had at the Rose Ceremony. So getting some alone time is very important to some of these guys. Yes, there are still questions to be asked, and a few explanations to be given. For instance, WHY is David wearing a bright red sports jacket?

First up is Scott...Who? But we still don't know. We didn't hear much of this convo. Then it's Wale's turn. Jasmine wants to find out if Wale is there for romance or if he's just there for the Bros.... Romance or Bromance? I think Jasmine got the answer. It's Bromance, so he's not looking so great right now. Poor David gets his turn for some time with Jasmine. It was apologetic and rather platonic(???) but Jasmine comes away feeling somewhat better about him. It's still problematical though.

The best bit of the whole episode is when Jasmine and Mikhel have their waaay overdue alone time. If you... know what I mean, know what I mean.

Queue the romantic music, as they walk hand in hand to a bench where they can be alone. They tell each other they are looking great tonight, and Jasmine adds that Mikhel looks like Clark Kent. Mikhel knows he has to lay things out and says he has to "Open up about opening up." She is really hoping for some chemistry and Mikhel obliges by blushing and getting rattled when she compliments him. Oh yeah, you bet there's something there. He tells her he's been locked away for the last few years, but she unpicked that lock, instantly, when she talked to him. That did it. She's touched. She reaches out and grasps his neck.

Oh my.

Mikhel says, "It's go big or go home" and goes in for the kiss. Jasmine did not, I repeat, DID NOT have to advise him on kissing techniques. Note the accompanying music soundtrack. Romantic. Not sexy. Not goofy. Hmmn.

Meanwhile, Seth is telling his Bros he is pretty confident he'll get a Rose. He is sure he made a connection with Jasmine on the group date. Besides, there was all that kissing. Ugh. We already know Jasmine has figured out, through trial and error, that Trudeau-Hair is not a guarantee of maturity or sexual compatibility, so this is going to get damn awful, quick. And remember, Jasmine just finished having an incredible, romantic moment with Mikhel. Jasmine wants to talk it out with him and see what went wrong. She comes right out and tells him it was awkward, and he...reluctantly....agrees. He explains by saying, "I was distracted. Half the time you were talking, I WASN'T EVEN LISTENING."

Did I just feel the collective reverberations from all of Canada as everyone just slapped their heads?
Seth, Seth, Seth. You actually SAID THIS? To ANY woman? You said this???
But wait. We're not done yet...there's MORE!!!

Jasmine: "Have you ever kissed someone...with...feeling?"
Seth: "Of course. Ah. Ummm. Well that's what I wanted to ask you. Have YOU ever been in love?"
Jasmine: (shocked) "Of course. Have you NOT?"
Seth: "I think I was in love once."

Seth wants another chance, but I'm pretty sure Jasmine got her answer and her mind is made up. They're at different stages in what they want.

Noah shows up for the Rose Ceremony. Jasmine hands out Roses to: Mikhel; Benoit; Kyle; Andrew; David; Drew; JP; Scott; and Mike. Noah comes out for that ever important, "Gentlemen, this is the last rose of the evening." After an excruciating long pause, Jasmine gives it to Chris. Wale and Seth are sent home. I see you smirking there David, probably thinking Seth was all talk. Wale took it well, but I think Seth just had to get the last digs in and "console" Jasmine by telling her they didn't have a connection. Well now, someone's ego took a HIT, didn't it? Jasmine's almost-eyeroll said it all. And I wonder if Seth realizes he had cameras filming him the whole time. We saw the conversation, Dude.

Next Week: Jasmine and her 13 fellas stay in Jamaica. Kevin W gets a 1-on-1 and they may kiss. Prepare for the Drew-hate to pick up. He says Jasmine can say anything, and he'll just agree. What great technique. Then, JP gets involved, calling Drew a pickup artist. And Jasmine wonders if Drew is there for the right reasons. Here we go, people.

My thoughts:

Jasmine's GOT THIS. She knows what she wants, when she wants it. I think she's got a pretty good take on these guys, and what's more she doesn't take shit from them. She recognizes the ones who just want to Bro-down and who is taking this seriously. For this reason, I don't think Drew will last much longer. He may even go next week, and if she does send him packing so soon, I'm positive she will win the Internet's heart. I know I'm ready to crown her the best Bachelorette EVER.

My contenders this week:

Mikhel is #1. With a bullet. Oh, YOU thought I was going to say Thomas and his magical sentient tongue, didn't you? Nope. It's Mikhel this week. Hands down. Didn't you see all the clues, or are we watching different shows?
Thomas is #2. Make no mistake about it, it was close. Very close. But for now, I think Thomas is still a physical flirtation. Not that there's anything wrong with that. And I'm not saying it can't grow into something more. We'll just have to wait and see.
Then there are a pack of back-ups: Kevin P, Kevin W., Benoit and Mike. Yes, even though Mike got the First Impression Rose, he didn't get the first 1-on-1 so he and Jasmine seemed to lose steam this week. Maybe he'll get a 1-on-1 soon or we'll see more alone time. Something may still happen with one or two of these other guys, but at this point I'm not feeling it. I am sure they'll get 1-on-1 dates soon...so again, we'll have to wait on this bunch.
The guys with little to no chance are: Chris; Kyle; JP; Andrew; David; and Scott (Who?). Is there a dark horse in there? Meh, I don't think so.
That only leaves Drew. Do I need explain?

Until next week,