Tuesday, 13 September 2016

Those Bachelors, Eh?

Yes, it's time to light those fairy lights, fire up the candles, stick 20 guys in a limo, and above all else, hose down that driveway. Tonight is the night, folks!

I've intentionally tried to limit my impressions of the Jasmine's Bachelors until after the premiere.
We've been given all those silly, darn bios and videos. And those profile pics??? It's like they are just taunting us with those. Hey. I can't just let that go, can I? Jasmine gets a First Impression Rose, so why can't I give my first impressions? Alright, here goes, then I will use that prediction table:

Although Andrew claims to be a "Management Consultant", I'm pretty sure I saw Andrew at the mall the other day. Yeah. I swear he was that guy trying to get me to switch to Koodo. I know for a fact Jasmine is happy with her Telus plan. It will never work. But Jasmine will probably keep him around for a couple of episodes, telling him she's considering it. Switching to Koodo, that is.

I barely passed French in school, but I do know one thing. A French accent is the 3rd sexiest accent a man can have, right after British and Australian. Oh wait, Scottish should be in there somewhere. Okay. French is the 4th sexiest accent a man can have. So that should put a French-Canadian accent in about 7th or 8th. Benoit plans on impressing Jasmine with his French, a move which will surely turn Jasmine to butter. That's when Benoit will show Jasmine his baguettes.
Chris claims to be an inventor who plans on presenting one of his creations to Jasmine. That much is known. But what you don't know is he created a time machine so he could whisk Jasmine back to the 70's - a time when everyone truly appreciated ABBA as much as he does. I hope someone warns her so she can get the jump on Chris and hopefully use it to start the night over. Chris also responds well to the name, "Corey Feldman." But only on Tuesdays when he has omelets with mustard and chocolate sauce.

Look at that. I got nutin'. This guy seems too good to be true. He'll get eaten alive by these guys. Like the time he went to the running of the bulls in Pamplona. He ran right into the stadium, just like a local told him to - despite "Gladiator" being his favourite movie, too. I figure Dana must have only watched it three times, otherwise he would have known stadiums are bad. Why would you run into any stadium when bulls are chasing you, Dana.
He's from Windsor. Strike one.
He's from Windsor. Strike two.
He's from Windsor. Strike three.
Yeah, he's out.
Unless he can impress Jasmine with his many talents as a musical cooking magician. I think he plans on telling Jasmine to smell the flower in his lapel, then squirt it. If she enjoys that - and I think she will, he'll get her with that fart cushion or pull a rabbit out of his pants. Then make her some toast after he cuts her in two.

I'm pretty sure Drew is the most likely to be the first to intentionally take his shirt off at the cocktail party. But that's only to distract Jasmine from noticing his hair. Dude, those close-shaved sides combined with that hairline and poofy thing you got going there on top is just not a great look for you. Makes your ears stand out like a Chia Pet before the seeds germinate. You need Thomas' hair. Or maybe even Chris' hair when Chris thinks he's Corey Feldman. Grow it long. Shoulder length or longer. Let it blow in the wind while riding a motorcycle. No, scratch that. A horse. Yeah, that's it. And invest in a bandana or two. Hey, listen...if you want to be this season's villain, I get to make fun of your villain hair.
Eddie, or Fast Eddie as his friend calls him, was of course the winner of Canada's Crush. That was that thing where the women of Canada were invited to vote for their favourite Bachelor. Of course, Eddie was my choice! Really, he was! Okay, okay. I split the vote and voted for that other guy, too. But not that third guy. He kind of scared me. He didn't have a god damn Twitter account, for crying out loud. Anyway, Eddie plans to impress Jasmine by taking off all his clothes because he "accidently" mistakes the swimming pool for a nude pool. Well, it worked on that beach, didn't it Fast Eddie?

I feel kind of sorry for JP because he didn't bring any normal clothes that weren't rip away. Although he will later claim he was the first to take his shirt off, the whole thing was a horrible accident. While running to the bathroom crying, "These boys are mean, mean, mean," he catches his sleeve in the doorknob, and whoosh! Off it all comes. I am pretty sure JP will end up getting plastered at the cocktail party, tell Seth the bartender he's not wearing underwear, then throw up in Kyle's pocket.
Kevin P
Kevin sold everything he owns to become a pirate. Oh shit, Jasmine specifically stated she preferred non-pirates. Or, if they must be a pirate, they should look like Smee in Hook. Now, that's haaawt! He plans to tell Jasmine he's looking for a woman who wants to travel the world with him, when he really just wants to keep her in the brig on The Jolly Roger. It ain't gonna work, Kevin. Go home before you embarrass yourself.
Kevin W
Kevin #2 looks like a cross between a young and pouty Angel (David Boreanaz), Jack Nicholson in The Shining, and Not-James-Marsden. I'm pretty sure Jasmine requested one of those, so Kevin #2 might just be "the one." I'm also pretty sure Jasmine will just love that crazy little "Heeere's...Kevin" thing he does when he comes home. Or that other thing where he can never fall in love and be truly happy or else he will turn evil because he has no soul.

Kyle is a giant. He likes cats. Don't expect Kyle to bring Jasmine to dinner on their first one-on-one date. He apparently gave the last of his money to that beggar in the market to buy those magic beans. He's going to give them to Jasmine at the Meet and Greets, so she can meet up with him in his Fantasy Suite in the clouds.
Mike was obviously once told by his date that he has a very distinctive and angular jawline. You can tell because his is the only 3/4 profile pic among the Bachelors. He thought he should go with it. That, or he thinks he is auditioning for Sportsnet. In fact, this pic is taken from his Sportsnet audition video. The next frames are of him winking, clicking his tongue and pointing his fingers at us like a gun.

Mikhel describes himself as a hopeless romantic who falls hard and fast. How fast, you ask? Well, when he found out he was cast in The Bachelorette Canada, he booked the Chateau Laurier for June 23, 2017 for the Reception. He also added Jasmine to his life insurance policy. Sadly, those plans fall apart on his first date with Jasmine. She brings Mikhel to the Vancouver Aquarium where the Humboldt Squid stared at him the wrong way. He has not been seen since. Jasmine will receive the $2,000,000 in seven years.

Ross reminds me of someone. I strongly suspect Ross will tell Jasmine of his past romantic partners. Like that really hot girl who broke up with him. Or, the girl he slept with later that same night because they were on a break. Or the English girl who married him even though he called her by the hot girl's name. Or how he had a baby with that hot girlfriend, then married her too. But I just can't remember who Ross reminds me of. Oh, and I also think Ross will accidently call Jasmine, "Rachel." Maybe he reminds me of Russ from that TV show with Matt LeBlanc.
Scott is a shy carpenter lad. Scott, the carpenter. Scott Carpenter. Wait, wasn't there an astronaut by that name? Anyway, Scott looks very young, sweet and innocent in that pic, doesn't he? Can he really be 27? He looks more like he should be singing in a boy band. Maybe when Scott grows up, he can be a singing astronaut. Oh, wait. Canada already has one of those.
Okay, Jon Pardy. Give it up. We know that's you. Oh sure, you've obviously cleaned up very well, gone to a stylist, maybe had some manscaping done. Got a new wardrobe. But that's you. My, god. Look at you, you're still nursing that hurt arm! Oh I get it. That injury made you look like less of a threat on Big Brother and now you think you'll get sympathy points from Jasmine. Wasn't winning Big Brother Canada good enough for you? Gotta get the Bachelorette, too?
Taylor is determined to find the woman of his dreams. He even gave up a chance at being Stonewall Jackson in his Civil War reenactors group, just for a fleeting chance of meeting Jasmine. Poor guy even shaved his beard and washed and cut his hair after letting it go for a year and a half to look historically accurate. He's given up so much. You just don't know! But all of that will be for naught when Taylor wastes the evening with Fast Eddie, talking oil-field stuff. When he realizes his mistake, he tries to recreate the move from Dirty Dancing by grabbing Jasmine and lifting her over his head. It did not end well.
Thomas fancies himself as an international model. Maybe even an international man of mystery, who knows? The big clue is he calls himself "Thomas" because "Tom" is just sooo pedestrian, isn't it?This translates to one thing. He's not there for the right reasons. International Models/Men of Mystery never are. Okay, I'm willing to give the guy a chance, as long as he doesn't pronounce his name "Toe-mazz."
Tony was voted most likely to ride in on his horse. But I just found out he left for the show before breaking up with his girlfriend of nine years. My sources have confirmed that his girlfriend, Truck, will show up "unannounced" on Tony's one-on-one date with Jasmine and confront him with those cheating allegations. And that's why we see Jasmine crying in the previews. She gave Tony a rose, for crying out loud. A Rose!!!
Wale's biggest date fear is when his date throws her drink at him and storms off halfway through dinner. I guess he prefers a girl does that sort of thing after dinner. She should at least sit through his entire grade 10 story about mistaking "Euthanasia" as "Youth in Asia." Even though that has happened to everyone at least once. Think of something else to say to Jasmine when you have some alone time, okay?

So, looking at that Prediction Table thing, it appears Jasmine is sending five of these guys packing during the first Rose Ceremony. Ugh. Here is my chart of predictions for the first week only (hey, let's take this one week at a time, okay?)
In other words, I think JP, Ross, Dana, Taylor and Kevin P are outta there after the first Rose Ceremony.

What are your predictions? And don't forget the bonus!!!

Oh and one more little wee thing. Don't miss the After Show hosted by Jennifer Valentyne tonight. The guests include Olivia Caridi (good god almighty) and Canada's own Maple Syrup King himself, the always uncomfortable, Daniel Maguire. I'm sure he'll be asking all the important questions.

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