Friday, 19 September 2014

Recap of The Bachelor Canada 2 Premiere

The candles were lit, the fairy lights were turned on and thank God someone remembered to hose down the driveway. Tim Warmels debuted as Canada's new Bachelor in an episode that, although slightly better than season 1, was still a yawner.

It began as was customary. Tim's intro goes over his backstory. He's just an average Canadian guy. He used to be an investment banker who worked 100+ hours per week then suddenly one day woke up and decided this wasn't the life he wanted. He now has a tech start-up and does construction on the side. Right. He failed to mention  his modeling and acting career. Funny how that was missed...perhaps they don't want to hint at him being the Bachelor for all the wrong reasons. He is a romantic and may just believe in love at first sight. Right. He grew up playing hockey, because you know, he's Canadian. He can also shower, shave and dress all by himself. He feels comfortable wearing capri pants or simulating that look by rolling up his pant legs. It isn't every guy who can get away with that. He often gets off a plane and jumps on his motorcycle which awaits right there on the tarmac. I thought only James Bond did that kind of stuff.
All aspects of his life are about building something and now he wants to build a lasting relationship because marriage is a beautiful thing and blah, blah blah. Five minutes in, and my forehead is bruised from all the slapping I gave it. Great. I have a wedding to go to next week. Thanks CityTV.

Tyler makes his appearance to tell us that this season will be nothing like we have ever seen
April Borgnetta and her bam-bams.
before. I am not sure what the heck could be any different about this journey, except that Tim has referred to it as his odyssey. Now that's special. He also promises no secrets and no hidden agendas. Now that's a boatload of crap if I ever heard one. There are a few intros of some chosen Bachelorettes which were quite standard with one exception. April Borgnetta. She is a Brazilian Wax Specialist and a Burlesque performer. So she likes to strip things and say "Bam!" whether she is ripping off someones skin or ripping off her top. We even got to see her heart shaped pasties. Lovely. Maybe that's the different thing Tyler was talking about. Correction. Make that different things. Oh Tyler, do you really think we are going to believe there are no hidden agendas this season? Geez.

The parade of future ex-girlfriends are about to begin, but first we get a Rimmel-shot
(yes ... pun intended) of the girls applying mascara for the big night. Oh goody, our first product placement, and it was way too obvious. I know I reach for my mascara like a hand model filming a commercial. Don't you? But what was even better was the commercial that followed for 'Skinny Cow". Not sure if that was funny, ironic or inappropriate. I laughed, but that's just me.

Tim waits on the wet pavement as the first limo arrives. Here are the girls in their order of arrival, including my impressions and anything eventful that happened to them during the night.

Rileigh: 23, Philosophy Student/Waitress. Kingston, Ontario.
She gets out of the limo carrying a tray with two shots, because she works in a bar. Perhaps she just wants to get him drunk so he will make some bad rose decisions in her favour. Seriously, wasn't there some other aspect of her life she could have opened with? How about some of that philosophy mumbo-jumbo she's studying? Nothing impresses a guy more than quoting Plato crap.
Kaylynne: 26, Ballerina. Vancouver, B.C.
If this girl is a ballerina, she must be a backup. Like way in the back where no one can see her or where no one has to lift her. Hey Kaylynne, was that you I saw on "Untold Stories of the ER" (Delusional Bride), playing a bridesmaid? Have aspirations of being an actress, do you? She will probably be one of two of the overly possessive, jealous crazy bitches this season. Later in the night she may have had a tad too much to drink - not that bad and really not enough to explain her mini breakdown and crying fit over not getting a first impression rose. Tim noticed, because that's the kind of decent guy he is, and had a sit down with her.
Raelee: 26, Gymnast/Art Director. Calgary, Alberta.
This is the girl that Canada voted in. Of course that was her opening line. Tim's only response was that's where he knew her from. She doesn't make a great impression on him. Canada, you chose wrong. Sorry.
Jennifer: 26, Joyologist. Montreal, Quebec.
Joyologist? What the hell? How about Whack-job Extraordinaire? That's more like it. You just know she isn't going to make it past the meet and greet. Tim is a little confused too. But he tells us he would love to sit down with her one afternoon and have coffee. I am starting to question Tim's mental health.
April Brockman: 27, Realtor. Wasaga Beach, Ontario.
Oh now here's trouble with legs that go right up to her neck. You know what I mean. The kind of girl you hated in High School. Tim is very impressed, as is she with him. There may be something here.
Sachelle: 24, University Recruitment Coordinator. Sudbury, Ontario.
She gives Tim a seashell to remember her from the rest of the herd, because Sachelle = seashell. Wow. That's pure genius. Now I know why she works at a university even though she thinks Vogue magazine is her favourite book.
Dominique: 28, Reception/IT. Montreal, Quebec.
Dominique is a very receptive Receptionist. She gets out of the limo all slinky and we hear the seductress music. Please.  They don't say much to each other, she is trying way to hard to rely on body language. Gag. Dominique, you're not that pretty. But Tim likes your shoes. So you have that.
Trisha: 28, Beauty Queen. Edmonton, Alberta.
She wears a pageant sash because it's like a giant name tag. She told us in the mini bio she will be wearing all her beautiful ballgowns but she must have forgot those ones at home. The one she is wearing looks more Sporty Spice, less Miss Canada. Blech.
Andrea: 30, Dental Hygienist. Kelowna, B.C.
Definitely one of the classier, prettier girls in the herd. The bio pic doesn't do her any justice. They talk about having wine apres skiing and snowboarding.
Renee-Anne: 28, E.R. Doctor. Sherbrooke, Quebec.
Being a Doctor, she of course hands Tim a prescription to settle his nerves: have a glass of wine every 2 hours and do a follow up with her at some point in the evening. If I was a catty bitch, I would say she was cute if you can look past those massive gums. But I'm not, so I won't.
Ritiuska: 33, Engineer. Puerto Ordaz, Venezuela/Calgary, Alberta.
Euww. Tim speaks enough Spanish to recognize that hola means hello. That's about all they talked about.
Alison: 27, Nurse. Montreal, Quebec
Alison is a wee little girl. Like put-in-your-pocket size. But she gets the award for best-dressed in a knee-length, silver beaded cocktail dress. She also gets Tim to admit he cheers for the Habs. That's some feat considering he's a T.O. boy.
Jacqueline: 23, Law Office Administrative Assistant. Toronto, Ontario.
Another Euwww. Perhaps double euww. Make that a triple. That nose.
Rebecca: 24, Waitress. Calgary, Alberta.
Not much to say here except that she may have time-traveled back to 1912 and stole her dress from the trunk of a Titanic victim. Seriously, who wears capped sleeves?
Sarah: 31, Personal Support Worker. St. Catherines, Ontario.
She gets the sexy music. She is trying too much with the sexy voice, but it doesn't match with the man-type handshake she gives him.
Natalie: 27, Elementary French Teacher. Cambridge, Ontario.
She gets music that sounds like the intro to Mr. Sandman. If you don't know that song from the '50's, think of the music when Marty McFly first enters downtown Hill Valley. If you haven't seen Back to the Future, not only are you a big loser, but I really can't help you. She is a cutie though, and Tim is impressed. Because she is an Elementary French teacher, she greets him in the Elementary French teacher manner. A kiss on the left cheek, then the right. She is totally convinced that Tim is her type of guy, a statement she repeats several times during the episode.

Sharan: 23, IT Sales. Vancouver, B.C.
I guess Sharan's parents didn't know Sharon is spelled with an 'o'. I will call her Sharan Wrap. But it probably won't matter, because I don't think she will be sticking around until episode 2.
Martha: 26, Fashion Buyer. Cuernavaca, Mexico/Montreal, Quebec.
Tim gets to practice more of his hola. Just answer one question for me. What's up with the casting? Was the number one trait on the casting Director's list a very long, skinny nose? It's so clear as the nose on your face.
Kelsey: 28, Sommelier. Calgary, Alberta.
Cute, but she has to ask his name, then repeats it twice. Just think donuts and coffee. You know, like Sachelle's seashell game. Seriously, Timbits was impressed.
Jenny: 26, Personal Trainer. Hong Kong/Vancouver.
She brings him a potted geranium which I am sure the production staff bought at the Superstore Garden Centre. They also told Jenny it was a "campion" flower, AKA rose. Seems like either production are a bunch of dumbasses or you can trick Tim and the herd into believing anything. Personally, I think she should have just given him her know. 867-5309. Why? Well here we go with providing a prop to use for a memory prompt. Jenny's last name is Campion. I am starting to think Timbits has some sort of short term memory disorder.

Jewel: 32, Payroll Accountant. Toronto, Ontario.
She carries a basketball out of the limo and then bounces it a few times. Timbits is impressed. Then she made it awkward by saying she carries balls.
Sonia: 42, Lingerie Model/Registered Nurse. Calgary, Alberta.
Correction. Sonia is from Cougartown, Alberta. I have no words except to say I think Sonia should have just stayed at home and waited for the 50 Shades of Gray movie to be released, because this is just plain 50 shades of wrong. So wrong. Yeah. that's not right.
Christine: 29, Music Teacher. Vancouver, B.C.
Tim's first words are, "You got fancy", as if to say gee, you clean up well. But he is impressed and tells her he is really, really excited. That extra 'really' just screams a tilt in the kilt.
Lisa: 25, Hairstylist. Calgary, Alberta.
The only redhead in the herd, she wears a gown with an inappropriate fur collar which she could have ripped off her Grandmother's winter coat. Where the hell is PETA when you need them? Lisa, as it turns out WILL be this season's number one bitch. Just like Whitney and her giant forehead vein from season 1. Hold on. Wasn't Whitney from Calgary too? What the hell is going on, Calgary?
April Borgnetta: 30, Wax Artist/Burlesque Performer. Victoria, B.C.
Here we go. Stripper music plays while April makes her entrance and shoots a gold confetti canon out of the limo. Wow. That confetti is going to mean a bigger cleaning bill especially when it hits the wet pavement. And quite frankly, I don't think April is worth the added expense. Unless production is expecting some Bam! for their buck. Even then, I just don't think April has much of a future as a Burlesque Queen. Perhaps she should just stick with the bushwacking.

The cocktail party was pretty standard fare as well. Time for all the crazies to come out. Everyone making their moves to impress Timbits. The liquor starts to flow freely, which is always an easy way for production to influence the herd into adding drama. Here are the best of the highlights:

  • Kelsey the Sommelier grabs a bottle of champagne and a huge honking knife. Tim is scared until she demonstrates her best trick by using the knife to uncork the bottle.
  • Joyologist Jennifer is more interested in making friends with the girls, and boosting their self confidence. She inspires them to go get their share of the Timbits. Like I said. Banana pants.
  • Rebecca, the Titanic survivor bakes Tim an apple pie. Isn't it strange that all the ingredients and equipment were there in the rental mansion? She actually says she hopes her pie will get her a rose. Ummn.
  • Christine has written a song for him. Then she sings. Yes, it was awkward. Singing on the Bachelor or Bachelorette always is. The rest of the herd now thinks she is crazy. But Tim recognized the risk she took and gave her the First Impression rose. I don't understand. This was when Kaylynn first starts to get jealous. Joyologist Jennifer offers he some words of advise, so she's okay for a few minutes.
  • The first clue to Lisa being batshit crazy is at the cocktail party where she "accidentally" spills a drink on poor Jenny who hasn't even had her alone time with Timbits yet.
  • Long-legged April Brockman steals Tim away from old Sonia, much to Tim's delight. He thinks she is a sweetie and wants to peel back the veneer to see what lies underneath. He then says, "These are questions that need to be answered.
  • Tim makes his own rules and hands out 2 more makeshift First Impression roses. One to teacher Natalie, the other to Sachelle the Seashell. Maybe just because he remembered her seashell. By now Kaylynne has fallen deeper into her despair and starts to cry. Trisha doesn't know how to compete, which is a lot for a Beauty Queen to admit.

The first Rose Ceremony, 12 more roses are handed out:

April Borgnetta
April Brockman

That's it folks. Next week the dates begin. They can let the driveway dry now.