Thursday, 2 October 2014

Recap of The Bachelor Canada 2: Episode 2 The Estrogen Games Begin

Fifteen girls remain after the mass elimination of the opening night meet and greets. There is one 1-on-1 date, one 11-on-1 and one 4-on-1 group dates, and by the time the estrogen stops flowing, only 12 girls will remain. Good times.

The first date card arrives. "Come get high with me!" and the only 1-on-1 date of this episode goes to Kaylynn. Tim says Kaylynn "intrigues him". I have no idea why. Maybe it was fear-induced. They get whisked away on a helicopter flight to Grouse Mountain. Neither Tim nor Krazy Kaylynn have ever been in a helicopter. No one is on the mountain. This should have been Tim's first clue that Kaylynn is not right in the head...everyone heard she was flying in and they all buggered off real quick. We get to her background story again. She was sent away to ballet boarding school at the age of 9 by her Mom, who then only saw her once or twice a year. This should have been Tim's second clue, but instead, the idiot gives her a rose. Beats me. Krazy Kaylynn then says her connection with Tim is the most comfortable she has ever had. DING, DING, DING. That's the crazy alarm going off. What kind of person would say that about a guy she has known for what, 2 days? Holy shit. Run, Tim. This reeks production-driven interference. Sorry, but it does.

The second date card arrives back at the mansion: "Let's see who can make some waves!" Trisha reads it and calls out the names of the girls on each team. Teams? Now that's not a word you usually want to hear from a date, is it? The blue team is: Wee Allison; Dominique; Lisa the Bitch; Renee-Anne Gummy; and Sachelle the Seashell. The yellow team is: April Borgnetta the Stripper (sorry, I mean Burlesque performer); Jenny; Martha; Rilegh the Philosopher; and Trisha, the Beauty Queen. They all go to False Creek for a dragon boat race. It's a miserable day, a miserable date, with miserable weather. Cold and rainy. Tim calls the girls a "great bunch of women" for putting up with this crap. How romantic. The Blue Team starts off well then everything falls to pieces. The Yellow Team wins an after party with Tim. The Blue Team is sent back to the mansion but at least they are warm and dry. .

Estrogen sacks with roses
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the third and final date card arrives: "Let's add a little Flare to the day. I want to see if we click." The operative words here are "Flare" and "click"...this is obviously the standard photo-shoot/product placement date. For this one, Tim has chosen Christine, Natalie the school marm, April Brockman (the pretty April) and Old Sonia. At this announcement, Krazy Kaylynn has a hissy fit, "I'm the one who had the 1-on-1, and I don't want to be forgotten." I might add...she also got a rose and is safe for this week. Old Sonia adds fuel to the fire and asks Krazy Kaylynn, "Are you worried he might kiss someone else?" I think I love Old Sonia. Kaylynn explains that she didn't sleep a wink last night and that 14 other women on a date with Tim is her worst nightmare. My only response is:

????? WTF ?????

Tim's after party with the winning Yellow Team gets under way at the Sun Yat-Sen Gardens in Vancouver. Each of the 5 girls wears a different coloured Asian-styled dress. There is a rose up for grabs, so each of the girls make sure to grab Tim for some alone time and try to finagle that rose out of his paws. Tim finds April the Stripper (sorry, Burlesque performer) an interesting human being. Those are his words, not mine. I could be wrong, but I don't think there has ever been a great romance that ever started with those words. Apparently her stage name is "Suicide Stacey". Dear God Almighty. Why is she here? Tim also has a talk with Rilegh the Philosopher. She doesn't want Tim to be the "Show Tim" or the "Bachelor Tim". She just wants him to cut the shit. Tim thinks she has a bit of negativity to her. No shit. However, it's Trisha's talk about her obsession with the pageant life that gets the rose from Tim. She giggles.

The next day, Tim arrives at the mansion for the 4-on-1 group date, knocks on the door and yells, "Housekeeping." The girls are still in their pajamas and without their make-up. Trisha is horrified, and Old Sonia's dark circles are showing. Tim tells them to go get dressed..."from PJs to glam". You tell them, Tim. Of course this is a Flare and Rimmel of London photoshoot, but it's not like they were brought to an outside venue. It's just right there in the mansion. There is also a surprise for one girl who has the most chemistry with Tim. A little something extra - alone time. The term "the most chemistry" refers to the girl who manages to get Tim hot and bothered the quickest.

  • Christine wore a long blue dress while Tim was in his underwear. Tim laid on his stomach, while Christine propped her head on the small of his back. Cute.
  • April Brockman wore a houndstooth suit with a little white jockey hat. They posed on a motorcycle. Tim couldn't keep his hands off her legs. Very sexy, very London-look.
  • Natalie and Tim reclined on a couch. There was kissing.
  • Then it was Old Sonia's turn. Okay, got to say this. Compared to the other girls, Sonia was made to look older. Dress, hair...not good. 
Before the shoot began, Tim said Sonia was obviously more mature than the other girls. Just a polite way to say, "holy crap she's old." The neck don't lie. The shoot was awkward. The hands didn't know where to go. So Tim pulled her aside, explained there was no chemistry there, then asked her to leave. It was snap-judgment quick. I hope he gave production a piece of his mind for casting a woman who would obviously have no connection with him. Not to mention the position Sonia would be put in. Come on. The worst part was the send-off music Sonia got with her departure. Sounded like piano music from Ken Burns' The Civil War - the part where Richmond falls or Lee surrenders. Seriously. I shit you not. Why did they have to do that?

It was easy to tell who would be given the little extra something-something time with Tim. April (the pretty one, not the stripper, I mean burlesque performer) got it. Another dead giveaway, especially with Rimmel London being the sponsor. April was given the Rimmel London-look outfit. April was given the Rimmel London-look eyes. Good grief. Could they be more obvious? April and Tim's alone time was nothing really special. They just got to go to a specially made up part of the mansion's patio and were given wine and a blanket. Then some guy I have never heard of named Andrew Allen played some song I have never heard of for them. The blanket came in useful when Tim used it to hide under to kiss April. April thought it was cute and admits she would not have kissed him if he did not do that. Right. The attraction between these two is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Let's just say that when a guy smiles and blushes like that...well, you know.

The pre-rose ceremony cocktail party followed. Or should I say the Krazy Kaylynn Show? Yep, she's back. The first thing we hear is Kaylynn explaining that she wants to play it cool, not be the over-bearing girlfriend (girlfriend?) and keep her emotions in check. In the language of reality TV and The Bachelor in particular, this translates to: I am going to go batshit crazy. Not only that, but it will be over the littlest thing too. And if anyone other than Tim tries to comfort me - like one of these well-meaning girls/competitors for Tim's affection, well then I am taking them to hell with me and blaming them for my nervous breakdown. And that's exactly what happened. Krazy Kaylynn ordered a glass of wine. You could see the transformation with the first sip like some estrogen-induced Jekyll and Hyde thing. Holy crap.

Kaylynn was having a nice, buddy-buddy conversation with April (the pretty one), complaining that Tim wasn't even making eye-contact with her. Tim may be smarter than I originally thought. Tim walks over, still avoiding making eye contact with Kaylynn and asks April if he can have some more alone time with her. I guess he didn't get enough of that Rimmel London-look. Anyway, Krazy Kaylynn asks if they just want her to leave. She does, and immediately goes to the bathroom to cry. Or maybe it was medicine time. Trisha tells us that either Kaylynn was losing it OR she is only doing it to get Tim's attention. If it's the latter, then it's well-played. I think Trisha the beauty Queen is growing on me. Who'd have thought? Meanwhile, Martha tries to talk to Kaylynn and beat some sense in her head. She reminds Kaylynn that she has a rose and is safe this week. She has nothing to fear. Kaylynn continues her downward spiral and she chooses Martha as the scapegoat. Kaylynn can't stand people who tell her how to feel. Holy crap. Now Martha is a bully...just like those gangs of ballet boarding school bullies that picked on her when she was 9. Holy crap.

The Rose Ceremony begins. Remember, Kaylynn and Krista already have roses, and poor Old Sonia was sent packing. Ten more roses are handed out to:

April Borgnetta the Stripper
Sachelle Seashell
Lisa the Bitch
April Brockman...the pretty April
Rilegh the Philosopher
Natalie the school marm

The journey ends: Old Sonia, Renee-Anne & Wee Allison.

Which means Renee-Anne and Wee Allison are also eliminated. Oh but the episode can't end just yet. Time for more Krazy Kaylynn, who, throughout the entire rose ceremony looked like someone just died. Or like she was going to kill all the other girls. It's hard to tell sometimes. They all gather to say goodbye to Allison and Renee, but Martha tries to comfort Kaylynn again. And again with Kaylynn complaining that Martha is just like those ballet boarding school bullies. Telling her how to feel. Seriously, I am starting to think that Kaylynn's Mom didn't send to Ballet school after all. Maybe that "ballet boarding school" was really some kind of institution, and those bullies telling her how to feel were the psychiatrists. Seriously. Tim tries to comfort the whack-job and that works for a bit. Long enough for Tim to tell the girls that next week they are all going to Los Cabos.

That should be fun. Yes, that's sarcasm.