Wednesday, 8 October 2014

Recap of The Bachelor Canada 2 Episode 3: The one where the crazy bitch goes to the Bachelor's room.

Tim and his 12 remaining prospective Mrs. Timbits travel to Los Cabos, Mexico where they get to stay at the Hyatt Ziva. The filming annoyed a lot of tourists who thought they were going to have a nice, quiet vacation. Apparently the girls spent most of their time in the cabana, while the film crew spent most of their time keeping curious onlookers away. The tweets that came out were hilarious. Some people thought it was exciting, some complained of the noise and inconvenience and some thought the guy looked like a douche.

Tim finds the girls in the cabana to give them the first date card and taunt them with the news
A kiss, supposedly.
that he will be sending two of them home at the end of the week. The card reads, "Let's fall for each other". It's a 1-on-1 date, and this one goes to Lisa. Lisa is the aloof redhead who thinks she is the only sane one in the group. Tim thinks she has an amazing coolness and will appreciate an "edgy date." Tim brings her out to the middle of nowhere in the Mexican desert, then covers her eyes with his hands as they approach the canyon. If this was anything but the Bachelor, I would expect Tim's next move was to make Lisa dig her own grave. Sadly, no. Lisa thinks it's a bungee jump. It's a 100 foot jump...then swing. A death swing, as Lisa calls it. Lisa lets us know they shared their first kiss together as they swung through the air, but we couldn't see because of the angle. For all we know, he could have been checking her for head lice. But then, I am sure that Tim felt obligated, as these extreme dates ALWAYS end with a kiss as they confront their fears. Always. Later during their alone time, they talk about her personality which was just her way of explaining why she comes off as a bitch. Timbits explains this would all be so indicative of how life would be if she was the one. I am sure his actual thoughts were more like...she's not, but production is going to make me keep her around for the drama. He talks about "peeling back her layers" to see if there is a girl who will give him his all. So he gives her a rose. Go figure.

Meanwhile back at the cabana, it's Krazy Kaylynn Time. Trisha the Beauty Queen talks to Martha about Kaylynn's breakdown at the last rose ceremony. Kaylynn comes over to apologize. Well, sort of apologize. She explains it was about her, not Martha...but in such a way as to say, how dare she steal my screen time. Kaylynn cries again and says she embarrassed herself. Martha says Kaylynn is on an emotional roller coaster. Let's just hope that Timbits doesn't buy a ticket.

Just stomp your feet, click your heels, shimmy and shake.
The second date card arrives at the cabana, "Let's go meet the locals, just watch your step". At first I think it may be a warning for unfortunate Canadian tourists in Mexico. Then I realize it's just a learn-a-folkdance group date. Tim picked Martha, Sachelle the Seashell, Jenny and April the stripper - sorry, I mean Burlesque performer, for this one. He wants to see which one will step out of their comfort zone and shine, and the one who does will get some extra time with him. If that's what Tim really wants, then why did he pick Martha who was born in Mexico, or April who is a dancer? You just know that neither Martha nor April will get the extra Timtime. Tim and the girls get a dancing lesson in a gazebo and then perform the most pathetic excuse for a Mexican dance you can imagine. They all enter the town square with Tim leading the way...accompanied by music that sounded like the score from Clint Eastwood's High Plains Drifter or something. Perhaps there will be a shoot-out. Tim just stomps his feet and clicks his heels intermittently. Ugh. The girls just swirl their skirts. April shimmies and shakes, as would be expected. At least it wasn't the Mexican Hat Dance. It's Sachelle the Seashell who according to Tim, comes out of her seashell and shines, so she gets the date. I don't know why. I thought Jenny looked the best and was most out of her element. Sachelle just spent her time complaining how she wasn't getting the steps and worried about how idiotic she looks.

Timbits and Seashell's alone time was magical. In an awkward kind of way. Tim pulls the chair out for her but Seashell didn't get it. They eat oysters and drink champagne. Then Tim asks, "So what happened with your past guys, did you just date jerks?" Wow. I mean...WOW. Seashell explains her two past boyfriends were cheaters, then asks Tim if he was ever cheated on. They just spend their time in some kind of awkward question ping pong game. Not hot. But he kisses her and now Seashell thinks Timbits is her boyfriend.

Back at the cabana....again. I am starting to think the cast and crew didn't actually have rooms at the hotel - they just showed up and camped out in the cabana. No wonder everyone complained about them. The third date card arrives, "Get SET for a hot date." It's a 6-on-1 volleyball date for Natalie, Christine, Rilegh, Dominique, Trisha and the hot April. Of course, this means that Krazy Kaylynn is the only one of the 12 girls who is without some kind of date with Timbits this week. And Kaylynn notices alright. She immediately goes into a funk and thinks she sabotaged her chances with Tim - that Tim thinks she is nutsy.

So of course, she does what any crazy person would do under these circumstances. She
The old, I-know-she's-crazy, kiss-avoidance move.
goes to see Tim in his room. Lucky girl. Production only allows the crazy bitches to do this. Funny how that happens. There is always one in every cast, in every season, in every franchise.  And it's also funny how the one girl who didn't get a date this week just happens to be the crazy one. With cameraman in tow, Krazy Kaylynn heads off to Tim's room wearing some sort of black spandex/yoga outfit, complete with a sweater...further proof of mental instability because who the hell wears that crap in Los Cabos? Tim acts surprised to see her at his door, but they have a talk. Tim is surprised again to learn that she admits to being an emotional mess. Just when I think he's just as batshit crazy as she is, he leans in for a kiss but instead does the forehead bump thing. Good for you Tim. Maybe he's not as dumb as I thought.

The six girls are waiting for their date in the cabana while Tim has a walk on the beach to reconsider his goals on this odyssey of his. Oh no. This can't be good. He comes to the decision that he must make the most of the limited time he has on a reality TV show that will determine his life partner. Especially in this reduced, Canadian version of The Bachelor. He decides to do two things: scrap the 6-on-1 volleyball date and just hang with everyone; and send home 4 girls instead of just two. I call BS. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. The same thing happened with Brad Smith in season 1. Exactly the same, except they tried to hide it behind the whole Krazy Kaylynn diversion this time. The whole segment was as close to a manufactured script as you can get in the reality TV universe. Kind of sad.

Time to break the bad news to the cabana girls. The ones who were waiting for their volleyball date are pissed off. Insider info: that volleyball date was filmed. People tweeted out pics of Tim playing with the girls while the producers gave them a look that screamed, "you won't go home to Canada in one piece if you post those." So I don't know who they are trying to fool with that editing job. Then Tim tells them that he will reduce the herd by sending 4 girls home THAT NIGHT instead of just two. Oh no. The claws come out and everyone jockeys for some alone time with Tim. Fascinating. April, the pretty one, not the stripper feigns an emotional break and heads down to the beach to look like she's upset. Well played. Of course Tim notices his number one hot chick breaking out of the pen, I mean assigned cabana region, so he goes to comfort her. Such a gentleman. They frolic in the ocean, culminating with hot April wrapping her legs around Tim. The other girls can't help but notice and become jealous. Big clue...they weren't this jealous when Krazy Kaylynn tried to do the same thing last week. No, Kaylynn's just crazy, but this April there's a threat.

Tim talks to several of the girls. Natalie has a rather awkward time. She tells Timbits she drives a Camaro and likes speed just like Tim and his motorcycle. Tim thinks Natalie just needs time to peel away those prim and proper schoolmarm layers. Translation: I will give her another chance. Meanwhile Lisa tells us she can tell who's batshit crazy and who's not.

I'm just going to cut to the chance and tell you the 4 girls that Tim decided to cut from the herd in order to make the most of his time with the ones he is developing a relationship with. Time to say goodbye to: Martha; Christine; Jenny and April Borgnetta the Stripper, I mean Burlesque performer. April turns to the girls and requests a "Bam!" from them. They give her one.

Next week, they head to a cabana in the Bahamas, where Lisa complains that someone is "batshit cray" - either Krazy Kaylynn or Natalie although hot April looks totally disturbed. The other girls come to the realization that Lisa is the mean girl in the cabana. Apparently, one of the girls thinks about leaving. Let's hope it's the right one. It's also time for the 2-on-1 date, where Tim must give one girl a rose and send the other home. Or it's always possible he could dump both. At the rose ceremony, Tim has his own breakdown and does the ever popular "stop the rose ceremony, I just need a minute" routine. My guess is he wants another rose to hand out. See you then.

Cut from the herd (L to R): Martha; Christine; Jenny; and April Borgnetta the Stripper.