Friday, 12 October 2012

The Bachelor Canada Recap of Week Two: "The Art of Product Placement" OR "The Virgin, the Stripper, the Werewolf and the Pretty Woman"

Week Two of the Brad Smith Lovefest begins with the 16 survivors of the night before moving into the Bachelor mansion with their luggage in tow. It looked more like they were fleeing from some apocalyptic horror chasing them from outside. Wait a minute, I thought season 3 of The Walking Dead didn't premiere until Sunday?
No, its The Bachelor Canada alright...there's Whitney and Gabrielle re-igniting their bitchfest. Anyway, the girls discover that the rooms aren't pre-assigned and they have to scramble to find a vacancy, without any bellhops to carry their bags. Poor girls. Oh but wait...there's a cardboard box of goodies waiting for each girl. Cardboard box - kind of tacky. Where's the set decorator?  The camera zooms in on the contents...our first product placement of the night. A whole whack of personal hygiene products. Or maybe the producers thought they all needed a good clean-up after the marathon drinking session the night before. Nasty.

Suddenly, Tyler Harcott AKA Mr. State-the-Obvious AKA Mr. Try Harder appears on cue to outline this weeks gameplay. There will be one 1-on-1 date; one 4-on-1 date; and one 8-on-1 date. Try Harder does some quick math in his head, and explains this means 3 girls will not get a date. Translation: your days are numbered here at the mansion, unless you give Brad a little lip action. Then he leaves the first date card. Wow, it has the official "The Bachelor Canada" wax seal and everything. Chantelle grabs it like the Christian she is, and begins to read...
     "The Big Easy is calling, but first you better show your legs some love!"
Translation: go shave your legs, unless you want Canada to see your nubs. Brad and/or the producers pick Melissa Marie, Laura F, Michelle V, Tia, Michelle B, Britany, Bianka and Chantelle for this one. So, any normal person would know what this clue means. They are going to New Orleans and whatever they are doing, they are going to be scantily dressed. But not these girls. As we are treated to the "Big Shave" (oh that what the box of stuff was for? cos these girls didn't bring any with them), these girls are wondering where they are going. Really? REALLY? Britany, the nurse, thinks it's a mountain and they are going on a hike. How the hell did she deduce that one? An easy mountain? Then Bianka chimes in with "maybe a mountain in Hawaii". Wait, this is the girl who dated Kris Humphries before Kim Kardashian. That explains it. 

Eventually they arrive at the Royal Sonesta Hotel (product placement), and I think they finally notice they are in New Orleans. But it's hard to tell. There's a band set up and out from behind a red velvet curtain comes Miss Trixie Minx, who looks like she was once a very pretty 1978. She tells them they are at Burlesque Boot Camp. Chantelle drops to her knees and starts to proactively repent her sins. "I'm a Christian!" You think this was just coincidence that you were picked to go on this date Chantelle? No, oh no, the Powers-That-Be (the producers, not Jesus Christ the Lord) are USING YOU. This date was designed just for you. The other 7 girls are really just filler. Except for maybe the Playboy model Melissa Marie. But she's just the antagonist for your character. So you better fall in line Chantelle and put that corset on. "But I work a lot with children, and they are going to be watching this". Why did you come on this show? Are you Amish and without a TV? So Miss Trixie gives them a lesson in strippin, er, the art of tease, as she explains it. All the performances are sad. In fact the best performance came from Brad, who had to act like he was enticed. Then out comes Chantelle who decided to dance to the sound of that damn giggle of hers. Please end this agony. "I'm a woman of faith, but I also want to find true love" Well, you're not going to find it with a feather boa. After all the awkward, they go back to Brad's hotel room, where they start drinking. The only thing that really happens is Chantelle gets a rose and Melissa Marie whines about getting alone time with Brad cos she misses her kid.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the second date card arrives. Whitney the B breaks the official seal and reads "Feeling lucky? In this race, the winner takes all". Here we go again. Another one of those tricky clues that only Bilbo Baggins can figure out. They don't even try. It's Sophie, Kara, and of course, Gabrielle and Whitney on this one. We are in for a treat. Do you really think Brad just happens to choose the two girls guaranteed to provide us with the biggest bitchfest of a date? Hardly. Are we beginning to see just how much a producer-driven show this is? So they end up at a racetrack in Las Vegas. The girls have to do 4 laps and the winner gets a date with Brad. Camera zooms in on a bright red Ferrari. Oh thank god. I was undecided as to what car I wanted to buy. Now I know. They suit up and the five of them do the slo-mo Armageddon walk. Whitney is looking totally bored, a trick to psyche out the competition. Sweet little Sophie goes first and floors it. Brad says to the other three, "Sophie has set the bar high". To that, Whitney forgot the number one rule for The Bachelor. No Matter how big of a bitch you are with the other girls, NEVER EVER show the bachelor your bad side. You're supposed to play Miss Perfect with him. She really snaps out "DON'T SAY THAT". Brad literally jumps. I'm sure he thought the full moon came out and he was witnessing a werewolf transformation. Cutting to the chase, Whitney Werewolf wins the date with Brad. He's scared. The sun will be setting soon. He asks the producers for a cage. But nothing happens on the date. Except a helicopter ride and they stop for a glass of wine somewhere so Brad can stop shaking. It works. They kiss. He's a very brave man. While all this is going on in Vegas, the girls left behind in Victoria are left with nothing to do. So Chantelle the pastor and Melissa Marie the Playboy model become friends. Of course they do. And they immediately start confiding in each other. Who didn't see that one coming. What does Chantelle tell Melissa, of all people? She's still a virgin. Well that was frigging obvious, but why on God's green earth would she tell Melissa that.

After everyone arrives back at the mansion, date card number three arrives: "Get ready for glamor, you'll look gorgeous and grand, with a sparkling surprise that's a gift from your man". I'm sure the girls have deciphered that to mean they are going to a skating rink or a trip on the Titanic or something. This date goes to Laura B. She was the one that was the first to be introduced to Brad. Ding dong. There's a delivery. It's a gift box for Laura. A dress. We see Whitney Werewolf circling the unsuspecting Laura. Laura gets dressed wondering if she should be alone and should she really be wearing this to go skating. In comes Brad bringing another gift for Laura. He opens a jewelry box to show her a beautiful necklace, and just as she reaches in for it...he pretends to snap the lid on her little fingers, and she pulls back. Wait a minute I know I've seen this before. Oh god it's that scene from Pretty Woman with Brad in the Richard Gere role and Laura replacing Julia Roberts. Aw, come on. Meanwhile, Whitney is still circling, starting to transform again. "That's a Roberto Cavalli dress and a Tacori necklace!" That should be mine, all mine!". Thanks Whitney for correctly identifying tonight's sponsors. Brad and Laura go for dinner on the terrace at The Empress Hotel Where they fall in love and are serenaded with a private concert by Jill Barber. But first, they stop for the worst caricature drawing I have ever seen. Of course, she gets a rose and is safe from elimination.

Oh another surprise. Brad decides to give an extra, surprise date to someone. He wakes up Ana, they jump on a seaplane and go to Tofino - halfway up the coast from Victoria. Ana asks, what is Tofino? Maybe she thought she was going to Italy. Oh well. Ana was the one who got the 16th rose at the first rose ceremony...a pity rose. Now she gets a pity date. What's going on here? They go for a picnic lunch behind the Wickaninnish Inn. There's a Hudson Bay blanket and matching pillows laying there all ready for them. And some icy cold Molson's Canadian 67. Wow, This really is The Bachelor CANADA. Nothing much happens on this date. It's sole purpose seems to be to provide extra advertising dollars for the production budget. "This date was brought to you by The Bay, Molson's Canadian, The Wickaninnish Inn and British Columbia Tourism"

It's the second elimination night which means there is more drinking and more jockeying for some alone time with Brad. Especially for those girls who didn't get a date with Brad. Not even a pity date. Most of the action centres around Chantelle, Whitney, Laura B and Melissa Marie.  Melissa starts whinning again cos she misses her kid. She thinks she scares Brad because she is so direct. At least she's not a werewolf, but Brad is looking like he's had enough of her. Chantelle complains that her new BFF Melissa Marie is drunk and then is caught in a lie by Melissa Marie. I guess Chantell promised to let Melissa have dibs on the Brad time. Just what branch of Christianity are you with Chantelle? Starting to wonder about these credentials of yours. Meanwhile, Laura's a bit tipsy. And she's not one of those fun drunks like good old Bubba. She's the kind who starts to feel sorry for herself, even when they are on top. In this case, she already has a rose. Brad likes her, or whatever they call it in the Bachelor Universe. Brad tries to comfort her but starts to get scared off of this one too.

Rose Ceremony. Chantelle and Laura B already have roses. Brad hands out roses to Kara, Tia, Sophie,  Britney, Michelle B, Gabrielle, Whitney Ana and Nicole. In comes Try Harder to announce the final rose of the evening. And if you don't receive a rose, to say your goodbyes. The last rose goes to Bianka.

It's goodbye to Laura F, Stephanie, Michelle V and Melissa Marie the Playboy Model/mom cos Brad really did have enough of your directness.

Next week: looks like Brad has some sort of decision to make. Like making the date card clues easier to figure out. Can't wait.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please feel free to discuss this.