Friday, 12 October 2012

The Bachelor Canada Recap of Week One: "Canada, It's Your Turn"

So who out there was expecting The Bachelor Canada to be a scaled down import of the original version? Like Wipeout Canada...a cheaper, easier, simpler production - looks like they filmed it in someone's backyard. Sad.
But The Bachelor Canada, at least in its first episode, really proved it was part of The Bachelor "franchise". Same music, same editing, same format, same heavy drinking, same wet driveway, and the same old "journey to find love". Real cookie cutter production method.

The first episode started off with the same old intro of the Bachelor. Brad Smith, blah blah, Pro football player in the CFL, blah blah, humanitarian, 28 years old, blah blah, son of Canadian Senator Larry Smith, and oh yeah, he's "excited to begin this journey to find true love". Is it just me, or is this Brad guy kinda average looking? I guess Ryan Reynolds is no longer available, but couldn't they get someone actually sexy? Our host, Tyler Harcott lets us know that "for years we've watched as others have found their one true love". Or like Brad Womack found...nobody. Or Jake Pavelka found Vienna Girardi and proved their love by fighting on national TV, and then split up. Or Ali Fedowski found Roberto Martinez, and then they split up. Or Brad Womack tried again and found Emily Maynard, and then they split up. Or Ben Flajnik found Courtney Robertson, and then they split up. Or Emily Maynard found Jef Holms, and then they (spoiler alert) yes, split up. Canada's Bachelor has a lot to look forward to. Tyler announces "Canada, it's your turn". Am I supposed to stand up and sing "O Canada" now?

Anyways on to the Parade of Brad's Potential Ex-Fiances:

Laura B - A 23 year old cocktail waitress from Ottawa. Seems normal but looks can be deceiving.
Michelle B - Yoga Instructor from Newmarket. Bushy hair from the 80's. But she's only 27.
Michelle V -  26 year old Administrator in the Petroleum field, Calgary of course. These girls are too normal.
Jessica J - is 23, from Vancouver and works as a CFL Team Representative. Is that a socially acceptable term for cheerleader? She shook her pom-poms to prove it. Really, she had pom-poms and gave Brad the most awkward, embarassing cheer.
Whitney L - she's 24, from Calgary, an Administrative Assistant, and she looks like trouble. She peels herself out of the limo and slinks over to Brad as 80's porn music plays. Her eyes have that glazed over look like she has been double poked by one of the Three Stooges. Maybe Moe. I guess some guys find that alluring, but I want to get her some Visine.She gives Brad what was probably the longest hug in Bachelor history. Not much of a talker, either. You better run Brad.
Ana C - 26, from Ottawa. Profession: Server. Of what, we don't know. Except she speaks Romanian.
Mindy O - From Rocky Mountain House, Alberta. At 33, she is the oldest of bachelorettes. Perhaps she thought she would look younger and quirkier by wearing hiking boots with a formal dress. Brad likes her shoes.
Clarice C - 25, Office Administrator from Toronto. Also seems normal. Brad likes her dress.
Sophie L - From Moncton New Brunswick. She too, seems normal. Maybe too normal. She is pretty. As Canadian as maple syrup.
Britany B - 23 year old nurse from Swift Current Saskatchewan. She puts a red band aid over Brad's heart. Way over on the left side of his chest. You'd think a nurse would know the correct position of the heart. Maybe she was only there as the sole representative from Saskatchewan.
Rebecca H - Just when things were getting boring, out of the limo jumps Rebecca. A 27 year old Toronto Real Estate Agent. Looks like Betty Boop without the sex appeal. Or Minnie Mouse without the ears, or the sex appeal. Brad only likes her dress. And then comes the real zinger...apparently her friends call her Bubba. Sexy. You just know she's not going to have a good night with the other girls. Looks like fodder for the more cattier girls.
Tracy D - 28 year old grad student from Victoria. The girls are getting normal again. Boring.
Fawn F - 25. Sales Associate. Ajax. She gives her name to Brad " a baby deer". She trips walking over to Brad. Oh dear, have the girls started drinking already? Or did her hooves slip on the wet driveway? Maybe she was just stunned by the bright lights. This kind of stuff just writes itself.
Stephanie W - a Montreal Model-slash-Neuroscientist. Really? What is that exactly? I really don't want to know what she is modelling. Her nervous system? Sounds suspicious.
Amber Z - 29 year old from Winnipeg. She's a strip club Manager. And she rides in on a motorcycle. Because strip club managers aren't allowed in the limos.

Tyler AKA Mr State-the-Obvious comes in to give Brad the halftime report, reminding him that he has to send 10 of these girls home. The parade continues...

Bianka K - 28 and from Mississauga. Another nurse. Boring. Or is she?
Chantelle H - 25. From Sylan Lake Alberta. Pastor. Wait. PASTOR? What? Jesus Christ, I think she's on the wrong show. Angelic music plays. Then comes the laugh. Or is it a giggle. Whatever it is it's really annoying. She looks like a 35 year old soccer mom or a young Tammy Faye Baker before she started to get into the heavy mascara. Please go away.
Melissa Marie P - Sudden change in music to a porn score. Hey maybe she's just there to deliver a pizza. Almost. She's a Playboy Model from North Vancouver.
Tia B - A 25 year old Marketing Coordinator from Ottawa. Back to boring. Wait for it...wait for it...
Tina P - A 26 year old Trial Lawyer from Thunder Bay. She decided to wear a preppy T-shirt dress and heart-shaped sunglasses at night to appear on national TV. Tina, if you want to be a lawyer when you grow up, you're going to have to get a real wardrobe. Stop pretending to be Katy Perry. Or Zooey Deschanel. Or the guy who sang "Sunglasses at Night".
Nicole D - An Optician from St. Thomas Ontario. Perhaps you should tell Tina that wearing sunglasses at night is dangerous. Or help Whitney with her eye problem.
Laura F - 23. Ottawa. Medical Student. Boring. I really hate these up and down reveals. How many girls have there been..1000 now? I want to see the drinking begin. And the inappropriate behavior. That's why people watch this show - to see these girls crash, am I right? Hurry up.
Gabrielle D - 24. Oakville Law Student. But music is playing. And she looks part Penelope Cruz, part Mila Kunis. The top of her dress looks like its hanging on for dear life over the fake boobs. Looks like more trouble for poor Brad.
Sandy D - A Makeup Artist from Wetaskiwin BC. Nothing much to see here...moving along...
Kara H - She's a 25 year old Grad Student from Delta BC. It's dawning on me there are a lot of students tonight. She throws a baseball mitt to Brad and then throws a fastball for him to catch. He says, "You're packin heat over there". She says "I think I'm a perfect catch". I think these lines are written. I roll my eyes. I also think Kara has the wrong sport. He's a football player Kara.

Is that it? Thank God. Now, let the games begin.

The liquor starts flowing. Like Niagara Falls. The Canadian side of course, not the measly American Falls. Cos this is The Bachelor Canada. And that's not an exaggeration. There are at least two bartenders that I see. And not a bag of Doritos in sight. Heavy drinking. No food. How many times have your friends told you not to do that????? And this isn't a four hour party. The show starts taping at night and ends at dawn. That's 8 to 10 hours of ever-increasing, alcohol-induced, producer-driven "reality" drama. But that's why we are watching it, right? We want to see what happens when you take 25 girls, get them drunk, and throw one man in there.

The first to corner Brad is Gabrielle, the Penelope/Mila wannabe with the wardrobe malfunction just waiting to happen. Things start moving quickly, like a shark feeding frenzy. They're circling, waiting their turn. In comes Tracy, one of the normal ones but Gabrielle sends her away. Eventually, Whitney with the eye problem moves in. She admits that her eye contact with Brad gave her butterflies. Oh no. She's gone into heat. Things start to go from bad to worse. Tyler brings in the "First Impression Rose". This is always trouble. The girls start to stare each other down, jockeying for position.

Bianka manages to get alone time with Brad. He tells her she's pretty and asks why a girl like her hasn't been snagged up by someone. She fails to mention that she spent two years getting snagged by Kris Humphries - yes THAT Kris Humphries, the 72 day ex of Kim Kardashian.

Then the angels must have gone back up to heaven to allow the virtuous Chantelle to be seduced by Satan and actually make friends in the house. First topic of conversation...breast implants. Who has them, who doesn't. She says, "This is a whole new world for me". She may as well have said, "Jesus Christ, I'm Christian!!!" Remind me again, why are you here in this den if iniquity, Chantelle? Meanwhile, Bubba starts to give a lesson on male genitalia (as one of the other girls put it) and how she refuses to chase any man. Only she says "Bubba do not chase <bleep>". Well the editing left just enough sound in there that it was clear she said "cock". Poor Rebecca Bubba. I actually feel sorry for her. She was pretty wasted.

Then another limo pulls up with another girl in it. But the bachelorettes have already marked their territory!!! It's not fair!!! Don't worry its just Jillian Harris, one of the darlings of the Bachelor franchise here to get her on-air time. She is supposed to be there to help Brad and interview the girls. Brad is glad she is there to give him advise on how to find the perfect ex-fiance. Absolutely nothing important happened. Anyway, to get back to the action...Whitney gets the first impression rose after providing Brad with the first make-out session of the season. This sends several of the sharks, er girls into a rage. The leader is Gabrielle, who tells Whitney that any girl who kisses a guy, after having just met, is a skank. Gabrielle. You are wearing a skimpy dress over huge knockers. You probably used double-sided tape to position it just right. Who's the skank? This stuff is gold to the producers.

Finally, it's rose ceremony time. The end is near...and hopefully this post. Roses go to: Bianka; Sophie; Tia; Michelle V; Nicole; Chantelle (with a giggle of course); Britney; Laura B; Michelle B; Laura F; Stephanie; Melissa Marie; Gabrielle; and Kara. Along with Whitney, that's 15 roses. But wait...Brad wants to give out one more Ana. Gone are: Tracy; Tina; Sandy; Mindy; Jessica; Fawn; Clarice; Amber; and finally Rebecca Bubba, who gets the award for the best ever walk of shame. The sun was coming up, and she could hardly walk. "These girls are all so skinny, and I'm not. I am totally out of my own element". Bye bye Bubba. We hardly knew you.

Next week, the dates begin, and I can't wait for the real infighting to begin. And I promise the post will be shorter. I hope so anyways.

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