Monday, 25 August 2014

Poor Tim, Part 1: 15 Things I Learned from The Bachelor Canada 2 Introductions

The names and bios of Tim Warmel's 25 hopefuls were released this morning. These are the first 15 things I learned today.
  1. When you're unemployed, it's perfectly acceptable to make up a profession. This raises more questions. What the frack is a Joyologist, and does it require a college or university degree? Warning: choose the title of your fake profession carefully, as this may be misinterpreted to mean something in the porn industry.
  2. Apparently you can get a job as a University Recruitment Co-ordinator without having read a single book in your life.
  3. The Bachelor Canada's hairstylist only knows one style. It looks like this:
  4. Canada has no single women east of Montreal.
  5. Canada has no single women in Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Nunavut, the Northwest Territories or the Yukon.
  6. Women in P.E.I., Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Newfoundland & Labrador, Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Nunavut, the Northwest Territories and the Yukon are too smart to audition for this show.
  7. The current status of all of Tim's Bachelorettes reads: "In pursuit of love." No shit. Just once I would love to see: "In a relationship/looking to break into show business."
  8. Don't list your favourite book as "Fifty Shades of Grey" unless you want to be compared to Ashley P. from Sean Lowe's season. You may even be given a tie to wrap around Tim's neck on the first night. If this happens, don't let your handler feed you liquor like you're a college freshman. Avoid drunk-twerking.
  9. If you describe yourself as a cheerleader, you will be expected to shake your pom-poms in Tim's face on the first night. Yes, that has a double meaning.
  10. You can add at least five years to the age of anyone who says they are 42. Fact. 
  11. Don't admit to being a pole dancer. Because...just don't. No good will come of it. See #8 above.
  12. If you admit to being an E.R. doctor, you better be a beauty queen as well and not look like you enjoy cutting people open.
  13. There is always a beauty queen in the crowd.
  14. If you say you don't like people who pretend to be something they are not, you immediately draw suspicion from the other girls.
  15. Tim may have studied a thesaurus before filming. It's not just a journey - it's an odyssey!