Saturday, 12 September 2015

Amazing Race Canada 3 Episode 10 "Man I've Got a Big Butt" OR How Many Little Jons Can There Be?

With my subtitle, I think you should be able to guess the path I am leading you down this week. Right?
Just play along. Amuse me. I need your support and encouragement right about now. For me, this season started back on May 1, when filming started in Quebec City. So I think you can appreciate these recaps are getting harder to do with each passing week. I keep procrastinating. And getting distracted. By the littlest of things. Recappin's hard, you know.

Anyway, the five remaining teams set off from somewhere in Delhi, India (yeah I know, my apathy can sometimes know no bounds), and must fly to Penticton, British Columbia (via Tokyo & Vancouver). The departure times don't really matter, except to say Sean and Brent (in last place) left 1 hour and 21 minutes after Nick and Matt (in first place). Oh, and everyone is sooo happy to see Sean and Brent at the airport. The teams must make their way to the D'Angelo Estate Winery, and find their next clue in a white Chevy Silverado. Gino and Jesse are excited to head back home to Canada, where everything is familiar and easy. OF COURSE IT IS.

In this task, teams must move their white Silverado to the other side of a group of parked black Silverados. Yes, this is the obligatory Chevy-sponsored task, and the problem is, they must move the black pickups to clear a path. One-at-a-time and only back and forth. Once their white pickup is free, they must drive it to their next task at Summerland Waterfront Resort on the other side of Lake Okanagan. Nick and Matt get here first and finish before Gino and Jesse. They get their "hot start" again. Sean says it is almost like Tetris in a way. I thought it was more like a real-life version of one of those old plastic sliding puzzles thingys. Or maybe a 2-dimensional Rubric's Cube. Okay, it's Tetris. Except the pickups aren't falling down on top of you. It's a pretty easy task if you are good at spatial puzzles. I just wish they would do a task like Frogger. That would be neat. Oh, wait. That was in India. Oh well. This task has the added bonus of the ability of other teams to move a pickup into each other's path. That's exactly what Simi and Ope do to Gino and Jesse. I think this task would have been a little bit better in an earlier leg, with more teams. Perhaps a couple more lines of trucks.

The Roadblock at Summerland Waterfront Resort is "Who wants to get wet?" One person from each team must maneuver a wakeboard over a horizontal ramp, stay up for 3 seconds, and then go over a jump. Of course, Monty demonstrates it beautifully while voicing the intro. And looking damn fine. Sure, wakeboarding is hard, but try doing that, Mickey and Pete! Nick, Jesse, Sean, and (obviously) Leilani and Simi do this. Obvious...because I have no doubt Simi & Ope and Dujean & Leilani had conversations about the "water" part of "Waterfront Resort." And I have to wonder if anyone on the drive remembered Season 1 with Lake Okanagan and Ogopogo. The "I can't swim/I'm afraid of the water" excuse comes in mighty handy when there's a giant plesiosaur swimming around. And I have to wonder if Ope knows how much deeper Lake Okanagan is than the pond at Ontario Place. Really, he had it easy.

Nick has only been on a wakeboard once before, and he couldn't stand up. So, it's no surprise Jesse's performance allows the Brothers Montani to overtake the Wrestlers. So long, hot start. Matt refers to Nick being as "graceful as a pig." Well, let me tell you something, Matt. Pigs can surf just fine. Sean, who thought wakeboarding involved paddling, did a surprisingly good job and even finishes before Nick. Simi and Leilani struggle with this and are the last two left. Leilani falls hard into the side of the jump ramp. Her wetsuit is torn, she has a couple of cuts and there are chunks of plastic in her skin. Okay. Full disclosure. Many of us race-chasers (aka spoilists) heard EMS were called to the scene. And I was pretty sure they showed up for this team. I dreaded another watersport incident taking a team out a la Shawn King. So I was relieved to see in the preview that she continued on. She finishes the task, but the delay drops them into last place.

The Detour, 2X U-Turn board, and Speedbump are all at Covert Farms in Oliver.

The Detour is called "Brains or Brawn." Brains (which isn't really all that brainy), consists of 3 tasks: use coordinates to locate 3 bottles of wine in a field laid out in a grid; hit a target with potatoes using a slingshot; and stack 10 wooden pallets using a forklift. For Brawn: load ten 55-lb. sacks of onions onto the back of a truck; flip a tractor tire down a 100 metre run and place it on a rack; and simultaneously cross a pair of monkey bars over a nice big pile of fresh cow manure. Do farmers often dangle themselves from monkey bars over manure? And I have to ask about this fixation with cow manure on TARC. Ryan and Rob digging through a giant pile of shit last year, now this. No matter which side of the Detour a team picks, they then had to complete the Freak n Farmers Mud Run to get to the 2X U-Turn board. It's very clear that this will be a race to the U-Turn board between Gino & Jesse and Nick & Matt.

Maybe Sean thinks he has to
recycle pee bottles.
Those dastardly fiends, Tats and Muscles after they
U-Turn our heroes, Nick and Matt.
Gino and Jesse get here first and turn the whole task into a big, bare-chested photoshoot. Seriously. Just look at this week's photo album on the official site (HERE) Oh wait. I shouldn't criticize. I forgot why they were cast. I now have a new nickname for the Brothers Montani...Tats and Muscles (but his 17-year-old-girl fan-base can call him Nipples). Anyway, they finish up quickly and U-Turn Nick and Matt. Sean and Brent have to make a Pee-Stop for Sean, who apparently didn't remember to pack a pee-bottle. Nick and Matt pass the brothers while Sean returns from talking to a bush.

Sean and Brent have to do their Speedbump before the Detour. They must bottle, label, cork and wax seal a case of 12 bottles of Covert Farms wine. They refer to their overflowing recycling bin again. Shame on them for reusing that joke, and shame on them again for putting their empties in the recycling bin!

For some reason, all the teams choose Brawn. Even the very un-brawny Brent and Sean. Didn't see that one coming {NOT sarcasm}. Nick and Matt aren't surprised to learn they were U-Turned, and they in turn U-Turn Dujean and Leilani (If we can believe the edit, I don't think they were aware of Leilani's injury). Everyone has trouble flipping that tire. Sean, of course, pukes. The Sean Vom Count is now 6, I believe. Simi uses her Brains and maybe a legal loophole on the Brawn by climbing on top of the monkey bars...did the clue specify how? And that Mud-Run is just another excuse for Tats and Muscles to expose their brawniness by getting all muddy and sweaty and...letting us see those bottoms as they slide along under the barbed wire. Seriously, who wants to see this? {sarcasm} Butt, it's also why they get the title quote. Leilani and Dujean start fighting...the worst yet. She can't get over the monkey bars and exhausted, they take a penalty only to find out they were U-Turned. So you can see where this is going.

After this big schemozzle, teams must make their way south to Osoyoos and the Osoyoos Desert Model Railroad. Here among the 4,000 square foot model railroad and 18,000 tiny figures, teams must find a mini-Jon with a yellow mini-clue reading, "Mk'Nip". This refers to the Mk'Nip Desert Cultural Centre and it's the Pitstop for this leg of the race. This task is great. Teams must use a laser pointer to show the judge which figure they are identifying. I don't know how many Little Jons were added, but production actually added several thousand more figures into the mix to make the task a little more daunting. Brent tries looking in the little ice rink because he thinks Jon is a speedskater.

Hold on...we're almost done.

Here's how they finished:

I am on Leilani's side on this.
Tats and Muscles win a trip to somewhere and something else*...ah shit, I am just too tired to look it up. And oh yeah, I forgot. I really don't care anymore.
Brent and Sean 2nd. It looks like a footrace against Nick and Matt. Sean trips and falls again. If I go back and look, I will be pissed if he puked again because I will have to update the counter. Why didn't Jon slap a penalty on them for misidentifying Jon's sport?
Nick and Matt 3rd. Still the best average. I think they let Brent and Sean beat them to the mat because... what's the big deal if you don't win the leg?
Simi and Ope 4th. We barely knew they were still in this. What's up with that?
Dujean and Leilani 5th. Eliminated. After finding out they were U-Turned, they just gave up. They didn't even go to see Little Jon. Of course, it could just be they were told to go right to the Pitstop. Lots and lots of fighting with the two exes vowing to give their friendship a rest. (they still say this on the post-show CTV junkets). They definitely redefined awkward. Please Production, never ever even consider doing a blind-dating season. ARE YOU LISTENING?

Next week, after 3 years, we FINALLY go to Edmonton. With Dujean and Leilani out, it looks like the remaining teams need to fill the fight quota. The episode title is "Cabotage". As in CAB-otage. I think someone gets tage-ed with a cab.

I am done. Except for this:
Hey, isn't that What's-His-Face in LOTR?
* My responsible bit: I must inform you, Gino and Jesse won 2 return trips to Tokyo and TWO years of gas from Petro-Canada.