Recap of Episode 9: Would Anyone Care for a Cup of Emotional Blackmail?

It's down to the nitty gritty now...it's Sean's final three. Which means it's also time for the so-called "Fantasy"/Overnight Dates. Which makes me wonder, just what does a born-again virgin do on an overnight date anyways? Well, according to Sean, it's an opportunity to get some extra "alone time" and talk about feelings and crap. All night long. Ah, okay. Because, according to Sean, "This is so hard....it's the toughest decision I've made so far...I just pray that by the end of the week, I will know who I'm in love with". Yeah Sean, no shit...supposedly you are there to find a woman that you are going to spend the rest of your life with.

And as for the fantasy dates, it looks like Sean has some more "tests of love" for Lindsay, AshLee and Catherine. Translation: it's just filler, because he pretty much knows who he is attracted to the most and the producers have to fill in a 2 hour episode with drama and metaphors for love.

Lindsay

According to Sean, he and Lindsay share a "spark". I hope it's not Tierra's spark. She's got one you know, that's what her parents told her. Sean's test of love and loyalty and trust for Lindsay is she has to put something disgusting in her mouth. No not Sean's tongue. She's already done that. No, she must eat bugs, because that's the one thing she won't do. So it's maggots and grasshoppers for her. She does it...she passes that test. She must really, really love him. She eats one of each and she's full. Then she has to work off all those calories, so they go to the beach to roll in the sand. Just them, some cameramen and monkeys. What a fantasy date! 

They go for a romantic dinner that Sean has arranged...all by himself and just for Lindsay!!! That Sean, he's so special and considerate. But it seems like Lindsay is struggling. She needs to tell him she loves him, but she just can't find the right time to do it. Seems to me that a good time would have been when you were grinding on the beach. Just then, in parades a Thai dance troupe...on cue no less. Like that wasn't planned. Lindsay tells Sean it's amazing and "thank you". Thank you? Lindsay, do you really think Sean arranged this? Do you think that Sean knows anything about Thai culture, at all? Gullible and naive. She's perfect for the next Bachelorette! And her oratory skills are like...like they are, like amazing.

Finally, Lindsay has found that special moment, that perfect time when a young woman tells her one and only Prince Charming that she loves him. That was a fail. Instead, she found the most awkward, embarrassing moment she could possibly find on national TV. Who else is thinking that the producer pulled her aside that morning and told her that she better tell Sean she loves him or else she might be eliminated? She even says that it might be her last chance. The whole thing just seemed so contrived, because if she really did love him, she wouldn't need to find "the right time" to tell him. The right time would have found her. What a dumbass. And what was Sean's response to Lindsay's confession of true love? He said, "I love....Hearing you say that". Ooopsie. That awkward moment when you don't hear "I love you" back.

When she receives the Fantasy Suite card, Sean tells her it's just a good opportunity to spend the night talking and getting to know each other some more. No hanky panky. None whatsoever! After all, it's sooo inappropriate for two people to appear to be having sex on TV. He's got to make this perfectly clear to everyone. It's his Jesus contract. He's very convincing, and Lindsay agrees.

AshLee

From Lindsay, who can't find the right time to tell Sean she loves him, it's on to AshLee who can't tell him enough. She loves Thailand and she is here with the love of her life. On and on and on she goes about her love for Sean. Gag. I expect this crap from a twenty year old, but come on, she's 31. She's been married. Enough with this crap. Apparently Sean still has some doubts because he has another one of his tests for AshLee. She has to go to her dark place. Oh no, not her dark place. You know that place don't you? Everyone knows AshLee's dark place...the one where she was abandoned by her parents, and all those foster homes, and all those trust issues. Sean makes her swim into a very, very dark cave with him. Caves. Why does there have to be a cave? AshLee is uncomfortable with giving up control and having to trust the man of her dreams. Then comes the metaphors supremo...she compares it to love and having to take a risk, cos she has this fear of abandonment. It's scary because she doesn't know what the outcome will be...she doesn't know if Sean feels the same. Then...they swim around the corner...and there's a light! A light at the end of the tunnel. I't like a sign! The Lord be praised. AshLee says Sean makes her feel so loved and cared for! She would marry him tomorrow if he asked. Wow...has anybody ever been so set up for the big fall before on this show? This is going to be bad.

Sean must have had the whole overnight Fantasy Suite date card explanation rehearsed, because he tells AshLee the same crap. She of course agrees to Sean's contract with Jesus. Then she tells him the kind of ring she wants. "I love this man. This man has healed my broken heart". Holy crap, this is really, really going to be bad.

Catherine

They meet on the beach and Sean tells her they are going to cruise around on his junk. I mean it. Yeah, I know it's a Chinese boat. But I had to say it. Sean has some questions for Catherine - her test of love is an oral exam. You know those romantic questions like where do you see this relationship in five years? Sounds like a job interview. It's one of those questions you really dread because there is no real right answer is there? In Catherine's case, she says there will probably be a kid, cos she's traditional that way. Blah, blah, blah. Didn't she have some questions for him, such as benefits? Holidays? What about the possibilty for promotion? And what's the salary for this position? Thank you Ms. Guidici, we will get back to you.

Sean really has this explanation for the overnight dates down pat now. It's the same thing - respect, no boinking, and it's just a chance to talk and really get to know each other without any cameras around. And once again, the girl agrees.  It will only be Sean, Catherine and Jesus in that hotel room.

And, that's it. The overnight, fantasy dates are done. Perhaps the most boring, sexless overnight shows in the history of the show.

But, Sean still has doubts...well the producers have their doubts about a "surprise ending". Sean has to have his gentlemen's time in the shower, then he walks around in his towel. I guess Jesus doesn't care that Sean shows the world his body like that. 

Chris Harrison meets up with Sean to go over Sean's feelings at this point. He quickly reminds Sean that this was the same episode that Emily sent him packing and broke his heart - and asks Sean if he knows whose heart he is going to break? Wow, bummer. Apparently, Sean knows. He says it kills him and it almost breaks his heart. Almost. he had a lot of questions, and those questions were answered. Chris asks him if he's in love - and Sean says yes. So he also knows who he's going to propose to, obviously.

But oh, no...we can't have that. Gotta make it look like there might be a little wiggle room, a little suspense, or else so much for the big romantic ending, right? So Chris makes Sean go through the guilt ridden task of watching videos recorded by each of the final three. Just in case. After all, one might get a last minute reprieve. A stay of execution. That's gotta be fun. Each profess their love for Sean, but the longest video is AshLee. She HAS to remind Sean how she was abandoned as a child, unloved, and on and on. Enough already. It really is like emotional blackmail at this point. She just has to dig it up again and stick it in Sean's face...again. She can't get through it without crying, cos he is the man of her dreams.

But it's not done yet. I guess the videos weren't good enough, because Sean also has to consult the three portraits. The three portraits ill know. They will speak to him and tell him what to do. Must be Jesus talking to him, telling him which demon to get rid of. Yeah Sean...get rid of that Magdalene looking one. She's evil. That's it. So it is written, so shall it be.

Rose ceremony. Chris Harrison tells the girls that this is essentially the last rose ceremony, therefore it's the last opportunity to embarrass someone on national TV. Well, until the last, real Final Rose Ceremony, that is. But this is the last one where we can embarrass someone in front of two other women who have become her friends. Good times. Sean starts...Lindsay. Phew. That was easy. Then he spends 30 minutes getting out the name of the second girl. Catherine looks scared, but AshLee looks terrifying. No, really, I mean it. She is pissed that Sean didn't call her name first...and she's giving him the evil eye, as if to say don't you dare send me home. This is taking so long...Sean looks scared shitless. Like he just wants to get the frack out of there. Finally, he calls Catherine. Oh oh, there's going to be trouble now. AshLee walks past Sean. He follows, but she says "Just stay here". Sean ignores the warning and they stop at the limo. he tries to explain but nothing is coming out right - like he's talking to a brick wall. She just glaring at him, hell, she was using her laser eyes to burn out his brain. Scary, scary stuff. And her confessional in the limo ride? Forget the standard revenge stuff like a flaming bag of dog poop or putting sugar in his gas tank. Oh no. This girl wants to sacrifice a virgin. Maybe even a born-again virgin. Holy Jesus. He's going to have to change his name and move to Hoboken, New Jersey. 

Next week: The Women Tell All, which will be boring except for Thunder Thighs Tierra. Kind of miss her.