Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Recap of Episode 6: Dawn of the Dread OR It Came From the Lake

Part 2 of the two-night bachelor extravaganza begins not with Sean in the shower or even Chris Harrison giving us a little chat - but with mountains and waterfalls and an elk and a grizzly bear. Ah yes, it's Canada! We hear Sean say he loves Canada and although he has never been to Alberta, Lake Louise is the most beautiful lake he has ever seen. I am sure St. Croix will be the most beautiful tropical paradise he has ever seen. And Thailand will be the most beautiful ...I don't know what. Chris tells the girls they are at the beautiful Fairmont Chateau Lake Louise. There will be two 1-on-1 dates and one group date.

The first 1-on-1 date card arrives. Lindsay grabs it and asks everyone, "who hasn't had a 1-on-1 date yet? Tierra, Catherine and Daniella raise their hands. She reads, "Catherine... lets find our fairy tale ending". 

The date starts with Catherine standing in the middle of the Columbia ice field. How did she get there? She's acting like she doesn't remember, despite the fact that it's at least a two hour drive from the hotel. It's like she's experienced missing time...maybe she was abducted by aliens and then dumped in the middle of effing nowhere. Where's a hypnotist when you need one. What's my name? Where's Sean? Where's Santa? Suddenly there's a rumbling. She probably thinks its Thunder Thighs running to meet her. But's a giant snow bus driven by Sean. He gets out and they romp in the snow...during a pretty vicious wind that's blowing snow and ice. They side on a toboggan and make snow angels. It was pretty fracking cold. You could tell because Sean was so much more whiter than usual, especially with the snow in his hair. He looked like an albino snowman. Now remember this, and compare it to the b.s. we see from Tierra later during the group date.

Magically, they are suddenly back at Lake Louise and they jump in a horse-drawn carriage which takes them to an ice castle. Really, it's just a set. I don't think it was real ice. They talk and cuddle and catherine tells Sean her sob story. Why does everyone have to have one? Won't he love someone without a past trauma? Catherine's is about a tree falling and killing a girl at summer camp when she was 12. Sean enjoyed this story...he gives her a rose. I am starting to think he is some kind of masochist. "Tell me your most traumatic life event and if I like it, I'll give you a rose. Nyah-ha-ha". 

The group date card reads: "lets bare our souls". Well, that doesn't sound too good. that "bare" or "bear"? Does it have something to do with that Grizzly bear we saw earlier? Either way, sounds like it's gonna suck. Looks like Tierra, Sarah, Lindsay, Lesley, Selma, AshLee and Daniella are about to find out. Daniella is pissed because she has figured out it means she won't be getting a 1-on-1 date with Sean, again! 

It starts with the seven girls and Sean paddling canoes across the lake. Looks like their canoeing skills have improved since that group date last week in Montana. Once there, Sean explains they will be doing a "Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge". Tierra says "It's cold". No shit. Selma says "I'll die" and "Arabs are warm weather people". So she's a no-go. What's wrong Selma? Did you pay too much for those boobies to accidentally freeze them off? Everyone else changes into their bikinis and don the hotel bathrobes. Now let me tell you something...people don't usually wear bikinis for these polar bear dips. There is a life guard and emergency medical personnel on hand. So there's no problem, right? As long as you don't do anything stupid, right? 

Well there she is...Miss Stupid herself, running into the shallow water like an effing crazed maniac. Everyone (except Selma) jump into the water, then come running out and then cover up with their bathrobes and thermal blankets. Just like you're supposed to. Except Thunder Thighs who runs around like a chicken with its head cut off. Oh she knew what she was doing, make no mistake about it. Sorry but there was no accident here. She saw another opportunity to get personal attention from Sean. Sure she was cold. But hypothermia? Nope. If the emergency services thought for once she was in danger she would have gone to the hospital, whether she wanted to or not. That hand shaking was fake...she was not shivering!!! Nobody would stick their hands up like that!!! The girl is psycho. She looked like something from the Walking Dead. Hey maybe she did succumb to the cold and she was in the process of transforming into a zombie. I have certainly seen better looking zombies in The Walking Dead. Run away everyone! You have to shoot zombies in the brain!

Crap...nobody listens to me. We are subjected to the rushing of a despondent Tierra, not to the emergency room, but... to her hotel room bed? What a crock. She even gets the guy to put her socks on for her. Yet she feels good enough to put the oxygen line in her own nose. Well I guess she had to set the scene in time for Sean to get there. Then in he comes to console the Thunder Thighs Zombie Thing that came from the lake. Eeeek. He holds her hand and notices it's warm. She says it's so weird cos the rest of her is so cold. Sean...don't you know that old saying, "warm hands, cold heart"? Or is it the other way around? Whatever. Tierra proves they're both true. He tells her to stay in bed. The other girls think she won't be going to the after party. But this is Tierra. Of course, she feels better. She's dressed and ready for the party in record time. Meanwhile the other girls are already at the party celebrating the No-Tierra fun they are going to have. They are having a great time making fun of her, then in she walks. They are stunned. I'm not. Sean goes through the usual chat time with each girl. Sarah shows him pictures of her family and of her as a little girl. Awkward time. They kiss. It's an awkward peck. Later, much to Thunder Thigh's dismay, Sean gives the rose to Lesley. Maybe Tierra is second guessing her stunt. Is she starting to think she pushed the b.s. too far?

Sean comes to the conclusion that there is one woman here that he just doesn't see having a life with. He doesn't want to put her through an elimination at the rose ceremony the next day. (this was obviously shown out of sequence because next up we will be seeing Sean's date with Desiree "the next day"). He goes into the party and pulls out Sarah. He tells her the kiss didn't click, that it was a stretch. Sarah feels blindsided by it and embarrassed - "It's always the same...they always say you're an amazing girl, you'll make someone a good wife". I really don't think she was crying about losing her chance with Sean as much as she was crying about her previous life experiences. Funny how Sean didn't want to put her through a rose ceremony elimination, but it was okay for her to have to face the embarrassment of a personal one on one kiss off. With all the usual excuses.

"The next day" is Desiree's 1-on-1 date with Sean. They walk up a mountain path and Sean explains there's a the bottom. Desiree is shocked to learn she has to repel 400 feet down the mountain cliff.'s a big clue Desiree...where did you think you were going? Shopping? Every single time these people go "up" on this show, there is always some dumb way that they have to get "down". Hey Desiree, it could have been worse - at least you didn't have to climb up a cliff like Selma and have Sean looking up at your ass. Please Desiree...please don't say that climbing down a mountain is just like a relationship. Oh crap, she did. They have their picnic and then they go to a teepee for a chat. Desiree tells him she grew up in a tent in a trailer park. Well once could have been worse - it's a good thing you didn't get Selma's date at the trailer park. That would have been awkward. She gets a rose for that story. Then they yell in unison "1...2...3...Hello Canada!!!". You know I thought I heard that. Last October, right. Wow, I thought I was just hearing things. I did yell "Hello" back. Did you hear it Sean?

At the party before the Rose Ceremony, Sean explains how he was not a happy guy last week in Montana, but he has had a great week in Canada. But his conversations tonight will be important. Duh. Your goal is to find a wife, so when aren't your conversations important? First up, Selma. She is wearing a tight yellow dress which is pushing her bazongas up around her neck. She tells Sean she didn't have the courage to jump in the lake, but she now has the courage to kiss him. Worst kiss ever. Trying to look virtuous. Like it was her first kiss or something. Later, she explains "Mom, please forgive me but I had to bring out the big guns tonight". I don't think she was talking about the kiss so much as the badonka-donks. Which religion is it that makes you feel uncomfortable kissing in public, yet you feel totally at ease with your boobies popping out? then AshLee has her time with Sean, just to remind him that she was adopted. Sean talks with Lindsay and asks her to tell him something he doesn't know. She tells him she sleeps naked. Now everyone knows. The most amazing thing about the whole party? There wasn't a peep from Thunder Thighs. Shhh, don't complain about it.

He supposedly has no idea who he is sending home tonight. And of course, everyone is hoping it's Tierra. Catherine, Lindsay and Desiree have roses. Chris Harrison shows up to tell us there are only 3 roses and two will leave tonight. Sean starts handing out the roses:

Lindsay gets the first one. Then AshLee. So Tierra, Daniella and Selma are left standing there. Chris has been keeping track of the roses. So he comes out to tell them it's the last rose tonight. Drumroll. Tierra gets the last one. Selma and Daniella get to do the walk of shame. Bye-bye.

Next week, it's off to St. Croix. There will be another Terrible Thunder Thighs Tierra Tantrum. But Sean just may call Tierra's bluff.

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