Recap of Episode 5: Double, Double, Toil and Trouble, Fire Burn and Cauldren Bubble.

For the first time this season, we are not treated to shots of Sean in the bathroom without his shirt. Instead we get Chris Harrison opening the show. Ugh! He comes in to talk to the girls and demonstrate his remarkable ability to count women. "There's 11 of you now". Gee thanks Chris. Glad you cleared that one up. I was a bit confused. He also tells them they have 1 hour to pack their bags and get to the airport, because they're going on a worldwide tour. What...is this The Amazing Race now? The first stop is Montana, yee haw! Worldwide tour? Really? Since when is Montana, Alberta, St. Croix and Thailand a worldwide tour?


In Montana, the first date card arrives. Selma reads, "Lindsay, let love soar". This had to be the most boring date ever. Helicopter ride to Glacier National Park. Picnic. Dinner. Lindsay tells Sean about being an army brat, blah, blah, blah. Then Sean has one more surprise...a concert by Sarah Darling in the center of Whitefish, and according to Sean, the whole town was there. Not quite. Then they danced like Emily and Ryan. Lindsay gets a rose. Predictable.

Oh yes, that reminds me. ABC announced that Emily Maynard was live tweeting during tonight's episode. Well, since I have never bothered to do this before, I followed her tweets. What a complete and useless waste of time that was. All she did was talk about herself. Of course she tweeted that Lindsay and Sean reminded her of her date with Ryan the scumbag. Ugh.

The group date card reads "You make my heart race". Damn it. Another physical challenge. Only this time it's more like a Survivor challenge. What's up with this show this week? First The Amazing Race, and now Survivor. Geez. Anyway its some sort of ridiculous relay. Canoeing, carrying hay, cross cut log sawing and then milking a goat then drinking its milk. There are two teams...Daniella, AshLee, Leslie and Catherine are on the Blue team, while Desiree, Sarah, Robyn and Selma are on the Red team. You could tell who was on which team because they had either a red or a blue plaid cowboy shirt. How sweet. Funny thing is that Lindsay was wearing the same shirt on her 1-on-1 only in black. I wonder what team she was on? Anyway, their canoeing skills sucked. The whole thing sucked. Then Desiree sucked that goatsmilk back like a trooper. I would put money on her chugging beer in college. Maybe high school. Desiree says, "the goatsmilk was warm and it came out my nose". Pretty. The Red team wins thanks to Desiree. The Blue team is sent packing. Sean and the winners go off to Casey's. Casey's? Whitefish has a Casey's? Wow. But Casey's?

Oh but wait...Sean decides to bring the Blue team back. When they are back at the hotel, Chris Harrison come in with a date card for them. Date card? Oh yeah, like that wasn't pre-planned. They are invited to join the party, leaving Lindsay, Jackie and Thunder Thighs alone at the hotel. Sean tells the winners the others will be showing up, and Desiree realizes that the goatsmilk up her nose was all in vain. She's pissed. Sarah, Robyn and Selma are pissed too. Those aren't the rules of Survivor! Where's Jeff Probst when you need him? 

The losers are getting ready then join the party, and Thunder Thighs is toiled and troubled. She is brewing up a scheme. She hasn't had a 1-on-1 date yet. She's thinking what's up with these losers getting extra time with my husband? Then she does some quick math, which is quite an accomplishment for her wee little pea-sized brain. Maybe Chris Harrison helped her figure it out...he can count women. She realizes she is going to be on the nasty 2-on-1 elimination date with Jackie. So she "decides" to "go find Sean". Um...what? She decides to do that? She's going to sneak out? Without the producers and handlers? Just her and...the cameraman? She decided to do that? And she just happened to know where the party was? Even Emily Maynard tweeted "how was she able to just walk out of the hotel". Which is kind of funny because Sean did the same thing in her season. So did Courtney Robertson with Ben. This even happened in The Bachelor Canada with Whitney Lee and Brad Smith. For crap sakes, the producers put them up to this...its in their script.

Sean is busy filming an ITM at Casey's when lo and behold, Thunder Thighs shows up. By the way, she is wearing another one of those plaid shirts, which makes me think the shirts were gifts compliments of the local Whitefish Tourism board or something. Tierra tells Sean she's worried. She doesn't like getting the 2-on-1 date. It's like a slap in the face. Sean tells her they will have fun and then she goes back to the hotel. What, no skinny dipping a la Courtney and Ben? What am I saying? Thunder Thighs? Egads!

The party goes on. AshLee gets some time with him and she thinks there must have been a reason why Sean invited the losers to the party - she thinks it's her. Sorry AshLee, you're right there is someone on your team that Sean wants to spend more time with, but it's not you. Then Sean and Catherine go outside for a walk...where no one will disturb them. Smart girl. Sean tells her she is someone he doesn't have to worry about. They are all over each other. She jumps up in his arms. They find a park bench and Catherine sits on his lap. They tell each other they love being together. He likes her confidence. Meanwhile Daniella, for some reason (translation: the producers told her to go find Sean) goes to look outside for Sean. She sees Catherine on his lap. Then it's crying time and she runs to tell the other girls. At the end of the night, Sean has to reassure Daniella by giving her a rose. This guy is a sucker.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel...Tierra has mysteriously returned. Didn't Lindsay and Jackie  notice that she, a producer and a cameraman weren't there. It's a large suite, mind you, but there just aren't that many places to hide. Plus I think you would notice the disturbance. Anyway the 2-on-1 date card arrives. Lindsay reads, "Tierra, Jackie...Love is a wild ride. There's more. Two women. One rose. One stays. One goes". Ohhh. The drama!

The 2-on-1 date was built up throughout the entire episode. It turned out to be boring, predictable and awkward. Thunder Thighs says crap like "I'm on a date with my husband. I wonder if Jackie knows that?" No, Tierra she doesn't. Neither does Sean, neither do I and neither does anyone else. It's only you who thinks that in your little delusional pea-sized brain. In her ITM she says Jackie has no idea that she snuck off to be with Sean during the group date - and that's the best part. The three take a horseback ride to a picnic. Jackie lets Sean know there's a Tierra problem. It's obvious there's nothing between Sean and Jackie, especially if the only thing you can talk about is another girl. The dinner on a 2-on-1, with a rose sitting on the table, is usually awkward, but this is unusually so. So what does Thunder Thighs do? She pulls Sean aside to tell him how she is afraid to lose someone else she cares about. Apparently her boyfriend of five years/friend of 13 years has recently died. Her story is kind of ambiguous, which makes me tend to doubt it. Sean seems to fall for it. He sends Jackie home. As if we didn't see that one coming. Later, there is fireworks for Sean and Tierra. In another Thunder Thighs ITM, she says she saw tears in Jackie's eyes, then she gives us a laugh which obviously originated from her inner demon. Fracking scary.

The pre-Rose Ceremony party is at the Grouse Mountain Lodge. Everyone is bummed out that Jackie is gone. With her pal Jackie gone, Robyn pulls Lesley aside to go have a chat with Tierra. God only knows what the conversation was about. Just bitchin. What I did catch was Tierra saying, "If I want to get engaged, I will get engaged. There are plenty of other ______ guys in this world. More bitchin. Then Sean walks by and overhears this crap. Great. You think he is starting to second guess himself giving that rose to Thunder Thighs? No. He sees it as the other girls picking on the B. And Tierra plays right into that. But Chris Harrison has to intervene and have a little chat with Sean about how his journey is going. Blah blah blah. Sean is no longer sure his wife is in that room. Oh no....is Sean going to end up like Brad Womack and not choose anyone to propose to?

Rose Ceremony time. Lindsay, Daniella and Thunder Thighs already have roses. Sean hands out 6 more roses to:

Selma, Catherine, Leslie, AshLee, Sarah and Desiree. Robyn doesn't get a rose and while Sean walks her out, Selma says "be afraid" - referring to Tierra having influence over Sean. And with the departure of Robyn, this ends ABC's "women-of-color" edition of The Bachelor. Nice try, but maybe you should try a bit harder next time, Mike Fleiss.

Don't miss part two of ABC's two-night Bachelor spectacular where we get to see Thunder Thigh's acting ability faking hypothermia in Canada...it was filmed last October.