Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Recap of Episode 1: "What's in My Cleavage?" OR "Mom, Don't Be Mad"

I like reading spoilers. Yes, I know who Sean will end up proposing to at the end of his,...what do they call it? Oh yeah,... journey. Sure, there's a part of me that takes a bit of pleasure from knowing something that other people don't. But mostly I want to watch the show or see the movie to see if the spoilers were right. And you can read all the spoilers you want but it just doesn't compare to seeing it all play out. That's where this whole ABC vs Reality Steve thing is totally ridiculous. People who take the time to browse the internet to read spoilers are diehard fans...they will watch the show no matter what. They are just not going to read spoilers INSTEAD of watching the show. They have seen the endless commercials promoting the season. The commercials are repetitive. They want to find out more. Spoilers get people all jacked up waiting for the show to air....it's almost like a form of advertising, so if anything, Reality Steve should be on ABC's payroll for providing promotional services. Here's a case in point - Lindsay Yenter and Ashley Palenkas. You'll see what I mean...

 Of course the show started off with it's standard fare...Sean's intro, and his looking forward to the journey. Then there was Mr. State-the-Obvious himself, Chris Harrison, with his usual blurb just to remind everyone that he is the host. The video bios for a handful of future Mrs. Sean Lowe hopefuls. It's a cookie-cutter format. The only thing that was really of interest is that Sean has a tendancy to blush like a schoolgirl. Kinda an endearing quality, but is it also an indicator of who he's really attracted to?

But then, just to change things up a bit...enter Arie Luyendyke Jr. And I gotta say, despite knowing how scripted and artificial this show can be, I actually got sucked into this part. Fooled me again. Arie gives Sean pointers, even though Arie himself has never been the Bachelor. Okay. They practice various ways of saying, "Will you accept this rose?". Amusing. Then break-up techniques. Arie plays the girl and throws rebuttals at Sean's break-up lines. This was funny. Arie came back with "but I love you" and even better was "but that's not what you said in the Fantasy Suite last night". Then there were tips for kissing. Sean asks Arie to "show me your ways". So lets critique this.

Arie's Kissing Tip #1: Make eye contact. Check.
Arie's Kissing Tip #2: Gotta use your hands. Right hand on her hair, left hand on her face. Gotta kiss with your whole body. Check. But Arie, maybe use one hand at the back of her neck, and the other hand in the small of her back, and then... Oh sorry, ahem, I digress.
Arie's Kissing Tip #3: Just a little tongue, like a little teaser. Not sloppy. Check. Duh.

Then the limos arrive. Now keep in mind, sometimes simple is best. I guess it just depends on whether you're trying to impress Sean, or trying to impress the camera. So here are a few:

Selma Alameri pulls a hanky out from her cleavage and wipes off Jackie Parr's kiss. Staged. Besides, if you're going to do the old trick of using your boobs as a pocket, you have to do better than that, because someone else WILL outdo you. Or maybe you can start a little game called "What's in My Cleavage?"

Kelly Dutton. Oh no, she's a singer. Fail. Sean felt so uncomfortable you could tell he wanted to stick a spike in his ear just to make it stop. So did I.

Ashley Palenkas. Another boob pocket. But this time, she pulls out a grey tie. And keeps pulling, and pulling. I mean, really, where was that thing coming from? It was her "decolletage-homage" to "50 Shades of Grey". But she was only warming up for later. Staged? Probably.

Robyn Howard, who I referred to in my last post as Rockin Robin. You didn't listen to me when I tried to tell you the producers always hose down the driveway.  And what happened? You fell on your keester. It's a good thing you're cute. Your score is: 8.5 for artistic merit and 7.25 for technique. But you should appeal that because of tampering by the Romanian judge.

Lacey Latka. No, that's not a made up name. She doesn't look like a pancake on a doily. Did her great-great-great-grandfather invent the potato pancake? I dunno. Apparently, people call her Lace, so she gave Sean a heart-shaped cutout from her grandmother's knickers. I don't think she pulled it out from her cleavage. Guess she didn't want to play.

Tierra LiCausi had an open-heart tattoo on her ring finger. Naturally, my first thought was how long has that been there, and how many guys has she tried to impress with that? Sean gave her a rose right there and then. I guess even Sean was tired of the show's format and started making up his own rules.

Amanda Meyer thought she would get any awkward pauses out of the way but her awkward pause was awkward.

Keriann Miranda tells Sean she drove 2,775 miles just to appear on national TV...er, I mean, meet him. And he better appreciate it!!!

Someone unseen, from inside the limo cries out "Oh my God, he's so cute, I'm going to pee myself!" I guess whoever it was didn't prepare one of those fancy one liners for him. Yeah, I'd go with that one. It will definitely impress him.

Lauren Marchetti identifies herself as Italian. Her father has sent Sean a message. "Break my daughter's heart, and I will break your legs". Oh that's a good one. You're a definite keeper Lauren. Sean is sure to give you a rose. Once his balls re-descend. Wait...that can't be right. I know for a fact that those kind of messages are in the form of a horse's head in his bed. Don't get mad at me...she started it.

Chris Harrison appears from nowhere to tell Sean that someone called and wanted to meet him there. Okay, hold on. Apparently all these girls went about the application process wrong. It must be another new rule. Now all you have to do is call Chris Harrison to get on the show. So all you potential ex-fiances of the Bachelor or the Bachelorette take note of that. If you don't know his phone number, I am sure you could just tweet him or message him on Facebook. Cool. 

It turns out to be Kacie Boguskie. She's the 4th place finisher from Ben Flajnik's season. A recyclette. Ben let her go after getting seriously freaked out by her parents. Apparently Kacie and Sean have met before or perhaps dated once. For one day. I think the jury is still out on what it was. Sean seems happy to see her, but I think he was just glad it wasn't the girl who peed herself.

Gathering in the mansion, everyone starts to notice more and more girls walking around with a rose. How puzzling. Soon a head count starts up and nobody can wrap their brains around this sudden twist. There is only supposed to be one first-impression rose. They debate the rules. Maybe there is a rulebook hanging around somewhere. If you don't get one of these mystery roses, does that mean you're eliminated? Isn't there going to be a Rose Ceremony? Then it dawns on them that these roses are important or something. So it becomes a mad scramble to go talk with Sean and get your piece of the rose action too. Besides, these rose-girls looked like they were having fun getting the non-rose-girls all jealous. Walking around, smelling their rose, giggling, sticking it under other girls noses to smell. Why, one girl even bragged that her rose matched her dress. Red rose...red dress. What were the odds of that? 

Then a new debate starts up. Which one is the REAL first-impression rose? Tierra is sure that hers is because Sean gave it to her right out of the limo and after just one sentence. He broke all the rules to do that!!! That's how good she is...Sean loves me already by my words alone. I play Jedi mind tricks! Someone else says that's wrong. It wasn't THE first-impression rose. It was just the FIRST first-impression rose. Well....this must have been the trigger that sent sweet Tierra, who Sean found sooo charming, over to the dark side. You could almost see her eye-lasers powering up to burn a hole in that smart girl's brain. She stops herself though ...probably thought she should save that power for a time when she really needs it - a group date or a 2-on-1 date.

And how embarrassing would it be, to go talk with Sean, see the rose sitting there, and he doesn't give you one? Well, ask Lindsay Yenter aka wedding-dress girl. By the time she gets her alone time she is a little bit toasted. She says "I wish I was more sober". Then she proceeds to have her first dance with Sean, then her first kiss. This doesn't impress Sean. He's going to have to think about that one. Sorry Lindsay, no rose for you.

After a while, things start to settle down. The herd is in for a very long night. Best to pace yourself. Then just as the quiet became really boring, Ashley Palenkas takes a big swig of her drink, puts her drink down and suggests "Do we need to have me start dancing now?" and then it begins. Holy crap, I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. I honestly think she danced in front of every camera on set. First in one room then another. She shook it up, down, and with one foot on a counter. Then it must have occurred to her that she needed to talk to Sean. She interrupts Paige talking to Sean. Paige asks her for another three minutes. What does Ashley do? She moves only 5 feet away, conveniently in front of the camera, and starts up with the dancing again. She was just in her own little world. When she gets her time with Sean, he asks her where the tie is. Where do you think Sean? Yeah, she pulls it out of her boob pocket again. I have to wonder...as drunk as she was, how the hell did she get it in there?

The spoilers out there, which basically originated from Reality Steve anyways, described two drunk girls. One was wedding dress girl Lindsay who was said to be a happy drunk, and the other girl an obnoxious drunk. Sorry Reality Steve, but you were wrong. The reason you were wrong is because you're a guy. And you forgot who the target audience is. It's not 30-something guys sitting in front of computers or watching TV. I didn't find Lindsay to be endearing at all. She was drunk but not a happy drunk. Too remorseful, second guessing her clothing choice, and worried that Sean didn't get her joke. Ashley P was a riot and she actually saved this episode from going down the toilet. (Well, her and Arie that is - his scene with Sean certainly helped). Why? Because the target audience are women. Women who have been there and done that. You would be hard pressed to find one who hasn't, or who didn't have to help their best friend after a stunt like that. Ashley probably made them feel like hey, what I did that time wasn't so bad. And the ones who say otherwise? Maybe they see too much of themselves in Ashley, or have had some sort of moral upgrade.

It's Rose Ceremony time, and the crew manage to get Ashley to stop dancing and get her propped up for the lineup. Tierra, Ashlee, Desiree, Robyn, Selma, Brooke,Catherine, Katie, Jackie, Leslie H, Sarah and Diana got the 12 first impression roses. There are 14 girls without roses and only 7 more roses to be handing out. Those aren't great odds. They go to:

Leslie M

Chris Harrison, who has been keeping track of the roses count, comes in to announce that this is the final rose, and if you don't get one you have to leave now. So basically, Sean had to decide which drunk girl to give the last rose to. Will it be Drunk-Lindsay or Drunk-Ashley. Sean picks wedding dress girl. Oh well. What a buzz-kill.

So it's the walk of shame for Ashley H, Paige Vigil, Lacey Latka, Lauren Marchetti, Keriann Miranda, Kelly Dutton, Ashley Palenkas. Well we actually didn't get to see drunk Ashley walk anywhere. So they must have picked her up and then propped her up outside. Oh Ashley, we hardly knew you. So, she gave us one last little dance, a whip of the tie, and said "Mom, don't be angry".

Oh and if you would like to watch a little compilation video of drunk Ashley, guaranteed to make you pee your pants, there is one on Buzzfeed HERE

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