Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Recap of Episode 3: Bimbo Down! Bimbo Down!

Look kids, stop it. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Nah. It's still fricking hilarious.

Tonight's episode starts with Shirtless Sean still looking for the love of his life while doing his workout. Yeah, that's right, Sean Lowe, Mr. Good Guy, Mr. Family Values himself. Strutting around like Sawyer in Lost. Sorry Sean, but you're no Josh Holloway. You're not even Matthew McConaughy. And we're supposed to believe this is the same guy that we saw in the first episode who was kinda prudish...too good for "50 Shades of Grey" girl? Seems like you're having a little too much fun now...you're not as judgmental.
Leslie Murphy gets the first 1-on-1 date card. "How long will this love last?" Oh, what could that mean? Leslie and Sean go to the Hollywood Guinness Museum for what seems like the crappiest date ever. They look at various displays of world records and then they come across the record that Sean's father set. Apparently, it was for the shortest time to drive through the continental U.S. The display looks like something Sean did in the 4th grade as a school project. Something tells me it really wasn't part of the permanent display. Then they walk outside to the screaming crowd of...dozens of people. Well, women. Women who heard Shirtless Sean would be there. And one old guy with a beard who was looking kind of creepy. Chris Harrison appears from nowhere as usual and announces that Leslie and Sean would be trying to break the record for the crappiest date ever. Actually, it's for the longest on-screen kiss, which is 3 minutes, 15 seconds. Old creepy guy looks at Leslie and licks his lips. Ugh. If you look at the Guinness entry the title is "Longest screen kiss in a TV drama". You can see that HERE. Is The Bachelor now considered a "drama"? But I thought Mike Fleiss said it was a reality show. Doesn't Guinness have high standards in their records? It will be interesting to see if this goes into their official records....and what the wording will be. Hmmm. Afterwards, Leslie and Sean practice more kissing, just in case their record is disputed and they have to do it over. Leslie gets a rose for it. They kiss again, then the confetti canon blows. Ahem. What the frack was that about?

The group date card reads "Who's going to win my heart?" Not another competition date!?! Geez. It's Shirtless Sean and 12 girls at Malibu. The girls are all given the same style swimsuit, but in different colors. You would think they would have clued in by now. But no. So Chris Harrison has to go in and explain it to them. Yeah, they have to play volleyball, and the winning team gets extra time with Shirtless. Kacie, Jackie, Desiree, Lindsay, Amanda and Robyn beat Tierra, Daniella, Kristy, Leslie H, Catherine and Taryn. The losers go back to the mansion feeling all defeated. So much so that both Kristy and Leslie H start crying and don't stop until they've been back at the mansion for several hours. Leslie cries, "Sean has all the qualities I want in a husband". Leslie, you should just be happy that you appeared on the Bachelor. And it was a speaking part too. Not like that little cameo ABC gave you on Happy Endings last week.

The after party was like...totally...amazing. Well at least according to Lindsay aka wedding-dress-girl. Lindsay says, "Oh my gosh...I am so...totally amazed by you." Like wow, Lindsay. Can you like totally stop with like all the amazing "totallys" and "likes" and "amazings"? Please. It's grown up time now Lindsay. Hey, aren't you supposed to be a substitute teacher? Good luck with that.

So after a few verbal exchanges between Desiree and Amanda, which were really nothing at all, Kacie decides to talk to Sean about the two of them. Really it was just a ploy by Kacie. We've seen this before, and in most cases it just doesn't work. You can't tell me that Kacie didn't know this. Sean ends up telling Kacie that he just wants her to be "Kacie" and not a "crazy person". Ooopsie. Kacie...that was a big fail. And later, what does Sean do? He reaches across Kacie to give the rose to Lindsay. Like wow.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Tierra reads the second 1-on-1 card....."AshLee and Selma...Do you believe in magic?" She continues, "Oh I was just joking. It's just AshLee". Needless to say, Selma is not amused.

As AshLee gets ready for her date, Tierra hatches a new plan for domination. From the kitchen, we hear a lot of banging, like someone threw a table down the stairs. Everyone thinks it might be an earthquake. Not surprisingly, the cameraman is the first responder, and he just films Tierra laying on the stairs. Bastard couldn't even help her!!! Well of course he didn't have to help her. He didn't have to. The whole thing was the biggest set up so far this season. Then, as the camera goes in for her close up, and some of the other girls are saying how unresponsive she is, Tierra turns her head toward the camera. Making sure the camera got her good side. Ugh! The paramedics show up, stick a neck brace on her, lay her on a back board. Sean says he's had a few concussions and knows one when he sees one. Well, thank you, Dr. Shirtless. Then Tierra finally speaks only to say she doesn't need to go to the hospital. Then she goes out to the patio to sulk, and of course Sean follows her. Hah! That's when the cameraman got his revenge because he filmed Tierra from the most unflattering angle possible. Her thighs looked HUGE! Thunder-Thighs Tierra. Holy crap...that was what that noise was...she was just walking down the stairs!

While this is going on, poor AshLee is wondering when her date with Shirtless Sean is going to start. She also says she's no dummy...Tierra is just a big fat fake. Finally they are off for their date to Magic Mountain, which ABC arranged to have shut down just for the two of them! Wow, I wonder how much that cost ABC to shut down Magic Mountain for a whole day? Oh wait...maybe it was one of those weekdays in the fall that the park is usually closed. Oh ABC, you guys are so funny! But, since the park is empty, and Sean does a lot of charity work, AshLee and Sean spend the day with two chronically ill teenage girls through the Starlight Foundation. Of course they had a lot of fun. There was also a private concert by the Eli Young Band. Afterwards, AshLee tells Shirtless more about her adoption story and he gives her a rose.

It's the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party and apparently Tierra has fully recovered enough to wear 5 inch spike heals and a short dress which shows there are no bruises on those thunder thighs. Surely, if she did fall down the stairs, those thighs would have been bruised up. Oh, but she tells Shirtless that her back hurts. B.S.!!! If your back hurt, you would NOT be wearing those shoes. Sean,...you're an idiot. Or you are in on the charade. Take your pick. The whole party is just a giant game of Shirtless Sean Ping Pong. Sean is tossed back and forth between the girls so much that even he is seeing just how ruthless these girls are. Kacie tries to do some damage control, but the producers stop that by sending in AshLee and Selma. Good thing, because Sean was just about to send her home right there and then. Had to stop that because there just wasn't enough drama. 

Rose ceremony time. Lindsay, Ashlee and Leslie have roses. Sean picks up the first rose, hesitates, then asks Kacie if he could talk to her. Oh oh, that's never a good thing. What was surprising was that it was sooooo easy. Sean told her they are just friends and Kacie said okay and got in the car. What? She doesn't even cry! I guess it just sucks to be you. But then again, she did last 3 whole episodes. Most recycled contestants or "recyclettes" only last one day. So you had a pretty good run Kacie. Please ABC...stop there. No more Kacie.

Roses go to Tierra, Leslie H, Catherine, Daniella, Robyn, Selma, Sarah, Jackie, Amanda and Desiree. In that order. Which is meaningless.

So it's goodbye to Kristy Kaminski (it's a good thing you have those Harlequin covers) and Taryn Daniels (even Sean couldn't remember your name). Hey, I just realized, all the K-girls are gone. Well, we still have the L-girls: Lesley, Lindsay and Leslie. For now, anyways.

Next week: another bimbo down - this time during roller derby, and Selma and Leslie H get their 1-on-1 dates.

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