Big Brother Canada Recap Week One

Wednesday February 27, 2013 (Premiere) And Thus It Begins

Well, that was a fast moving hour. The intro started with a CGI satellite beaming down an announcement that Big Brother himself has infiltrated the airwaves. Okay. Fine. Kinda cheesy. Then Arisa Cox walks into the live studio audience to tell us everything we need to know: 10 weeks...15 houseguests...13,000 sq ft house... blah, blah, blah. A quick tour shows us several rooms. The HOH room is luxurious, while the Have-Not room is decorated a la rat-trap Highway 11 motel room. There is an artificial outdoor "summer" environment. And, oh yes...it wouldn't be Big Brother Canada without a "winter" area with a hot-tub. And by winter, I mean real, artificial snow lining the edge of the hot-tub. Wow. Great decorating. Looks like they paid a 5th grader 5 bucks to do that. But the rest of the house looks great! 

Then its on to the introduction of the HGs, which is done in groups of five - montage style, showing them getting their acceptance letter and key, packing, giving bios and traveling to the BB house. So here we go:

Group One

Peter, he hates people. BB isn't a game...it's a sport.
Kat
Alec, the Social Psychologist, self described "Master of the Game"
Aneal, sees the HGs as pawns
Danielle

Group Two

Suzette, how long will it take for her to annoy 14 people?
Talla
Jillian
Andrew, impulsive, speaks his mind, has an identical twin brother (hmmm?)
AJ, the life of the party, can be a backstabber (what kind of parties does he go to?)

Group Three

Liza, brings 50 kinds of bronzer cos there won't be a tanning bed
Tom, Mr. Social but is easily annoyed
Gary, flamboyant is an understatement
Emmett, farmer, his gay brother told him to look out for gay guys
Topaz, her real name is Emerald, but she prefers Topaz. Huh?

What Arisa Cox doesn't tell us is that the HGs actually moved into the house on February 21...6 whole days before the airing of this episode. So, if you started watching Big Brother After Dark, or the live feeds, and thought they seemed awfully friendly for people who just met...well they have spent a whole week together already.

The HGs gather in the living room and immediately start to form opinions of each other. Gary, who isn't just gay, but outlandishly gay...not that there's anything wrong with that...already loves Emmett, the farmer from down east. Now that's a match made in heaven. By the way, one of Emmett's brothers is gay, and he warned Emmett to "watch out for any gay guys" in the house. Gee you got to wonder about the casting process. And Gary hates "the guy with the glasses" (Aneal) because he's from Richmond Hill, a suburb of Toronto. And that's not Toronto. Alec is attracted to Topaz. He tells everyone that he is majoring in Social Psych...bad move? Suzette tells everyone she is the mother of 3, and all those professions she has, and manages to annoy everyone. Some already want her gone. Okay, I admit it, I want her gone.

As this is going on, Arisa speaks that over-used line "expect the unexpected". Oh God, and thus it begins. There is a red phone. The person who answers it will be given a mission. Of course if that person fails in the mission, there is a punishment. That I want to see. I am kind of thinking the punishment would be an automatic eviction nomination. As the drinks begin to flow, the phone rings and the annoying Suzette answers. She is told to go to the Diary Room, and not to tell anyone. She says she doesn't know what it was...she couldn't hear anything. No one believes her of course. In fact, someone else picks up the phone to see if it's working. She meanders around, which looks preposterous considering her, well, size. Did I mention she's a full-figured woman? Hey, she said it herself, okay?! She finally gets to the DR, where Mr.BB himself tells her she is the first HOH and she has one hour to nominate two HGs for eviction. She can't tell anyone...or else. Please screw it up, Suzette!

Everyone knows somethings up. Arisa gathers everyone in the living room and tells them whats up. Suzette nominates "these two" sitting next to where she is standing. It's Tom and Emmett. I'm kind of thinking there was piss all thought put into it...she just decided to indiscriminately pick the two closest people to her...she didn't or couldn't say their names. Way to use those "great skills" you said you had, Suzette! Now, keep in mind this is the one who stated her profession as Support Worker/Radio Producer and Host/Motivational Speaker, whatever the hell that is. Geez.

But wait, Arisa announces that this wouldn't be Big Brother without a Power of Veto Competition, and they get right to it. Tom and Emmett decide to work towards saving each other. The HOH and 2 nominees each draw names: Suzette draws Peter; Tom draws Aneal; and Emmett draws Gary. Wait, is this thing rigged? All 6 put on these purple, full body leotard suits. They look like Rubber Man from American Horror Story. Only purple. They have a spiked belt which they have to use to break balloons - they can't use their hands. The balloons have puzzle pieces, and yeah, you guessed it, the first person to put their puzzle together wins POV. Okay, I know that BB Canada doesn't have the ultra big budget that BB US has, and they probably spent most of it on the house, but come on. This is really lame. Not every balloon has a piece in it, so these guys are really getting tired and drawing it out. It's a good thing this was pre-taped. Suzette's belt is riding up to under her boobs. She's looking like a big grape in that suit. Eventually, and I mean eventually, Tom wins and gets this overly massive lucite "V" necklace.

 

Week 1 Episode 1 Wed Feb 27, 2013

Thursday, February 28 2013 Live Eviction

Before the POV Ceremony:

Kat campaigns for a girl's alliance which doesn't go over too well. Everyone agrees that Suzette did not "earn" the HOH title - so not only do they find her annoying, but now they resent her. Gary apparently loves glitter (he brought a lot with him), and people have been finding it all over the place. It's almost as if some people set out to annoy others. Aneal is sure Tom will use the POV. He wants Gary Glitter out so he steals some of his glitter and starts to spread it around. Suzette considers possibilities for replacement nominees - supposedly, she says it's between Gary and Kat


POV Ceremony:

Tom uses the POV on himself. Suzette names Kat as the replacement nominee.

Before the Live Eviction:

The HGs are put into pairs and handcuffed for the day. The pairs are: Talla and Liza; Kat and Aneal; Jillian and Alec; AJ and Andrew; Peter and Danielle; Emmett and Topaz; and Tom and Gary. This leads to awkward situations such as Jillian trying not to look when Alec showers or AJ and Andrew taking turns going to the bathroom. I don't think they were just peeing. This isn't like a normal reward challenge - they all do well and get beer. Yeah, this is Canada. Looks like Alec has acted on his initial attraction to Topaz and a shomance has been developing which has not gone unnoticed. In fact, if you watched the live feeds at all, these two are really flaunting it. A few of the others discuss the dangers of this kind of alliance and agree to watch it carefully. Meanwhile, Aneal brings up the dangers of the Tom and Emmett alliance - then he goes to Suzette about it. It appears he is going to vote to evict Emmett.

Live Eviction Voting: 

Kat is evicted with an 11 to 1 vote (the lone vote for Emmett was from Liza. So it looks like Liza was the only one to agree with Kat on a girl's alliance. It also looks like Aneal was trying to pull a fast one on Suzette or maybe it was just a test. From the Diary Room confessions, most people thought Kat talked too much, she played the game too hard, too soon and talked strategy way too much. Looks like she forgot her strategy going into the game which was to lay low and just be a fly on the wall.

HOH Competition:

Everyone except Suzette dresses as lumberjacks (thank God we weren't subjected to a lumberjack Suzette) and must hold on to a step on a tree. The last one on wins HOH. We won't see that outcome until Sunday officially - but that part was taped and Jillian ends up winning HOH. She will nominate Aneal and Gary for eviction.

At the end of the show, Arisa introduces Dan Gheesling from BB10. His only contribution is a tip that the players need to just chill out and let the others cut each others head off. Duh. He also said that so far he likes the gameplay of Aneal and Peter.


 
Week 1 Episode 2 Thurs Feb 28, 2013

Recap of Episode 9: Would Anyone Care for a Cup of Emotional Blackmail?

It's down to the nitty gritty now...it's Sean's final three. Which means it's also time for the so-called "Fantasy"/Overnight Dates. Which makes me wonder, just what does a born-again virgin do on an overnight date anyways? Well, according to Sean, it's an opportunity to get some extra "alone time" and talk about feelings and crap. All night long. Ah, okay. Because, according to Sean, "This is so hard....it's the toughest decision I've made so far...I just pray that by the end of the week, I will know who I'm in love with". Yeah Sean, no shit...supposedly you are there to find a woman that you are going to spend the rest of your life with.

And as for the fantasy dates, it looks like Sean has some more "tests of love" for Lindsay, AshLee and Catherine. Translation: it's just filler, because he pretty much knows who he is attracted to the most and the producers have to fill in a 2 hour episode with drama and metaphors for love.

Lindsay

According to Sean, he and Lindsay share a "spark". I hope it's not Tierra's spark. She's got one you know, that's what her parents told her. Sean's test of love and loyalty and trust for Lindsay is she has to put something disgusting in her mouth. No not Sean's tongue. She's already done that. No, she must eat bugs, because that's the one thing she won't do. So it's maggots and grasshoppers for her. She does it...she passes that test. She must really, really love him. She eats one of each and she's full. Then she has to work off all those calories, so they go to the beach to roll in the sand. Just them, some cameramen and monkeys. What a fantasy date! 

They go for a romantic dinner that Sean has arranged...all by himself and just for Lindsay!!! That Sean, he's so special and considerate. But it seems like Lindsay is struggling. She needs to tell him she loves him, but she just can't find the right time to do it. Seems to me that a good time would have been when you were grinding on the beach. Just then, in parades a Thai dance troupe...on cue no less. Like that wasn't planned. Lindsay tells Sean it's amazing and "thank you". Thank you? Lindsay, do you really think Sean arranged this? Do you think that Sean knows anything about Thai culture, at all? Gullible and naive. She's perfect for the next Bachelorette! And her oratory skills are like...like they are, like amazing.

Finally, Lindsay has found that special moment, that perfect time when a young woman tells her one and only Prince Charming that she loves him. That was a fail. Instead, she found the most awkward, embarrassing moment she could possibly find on national TV. Who else is thinking that the producer pulled her aside that morning and told her that she better tell Sean she loves him or else she might be eliminated? She even says that it might be her last chance. The whole thing just seemed so contrived, because if she really did love him, she wouldn't need to find "the right time" to tell him. The right time would have found her. What a dumbass. And what was Sean's response to Lindsay's confession of true love? He said, "I love....Hearing you say that". Ooopsie. That awkward moment when you don't hear "I love you" back.

When she receives the Fantasy Suite card, Sean tells her it's just a good opportunity to spend the night talking and getting to know each other some more. No hanky panky. None whatsoever! After all, it's sooo inappropriate for two people to appear to be having sex on TV. He's got to make this perfectly clear to everyone. It's his Jesus contract. He's very convincing, and Lindsay agrees.

AshLee

From Lindsay, who can't find the right time to tell Sean she loves him, it's on to AshLee who can't tell him enough. She loves Thailand and she is here with the love of her life. On and on and on she goes about her love for Sean. Gag. I expect this crap from a twenty year old, but come on, she's 31. She's been married. Enough with this crap. Apparently Sean still has some doubts because he has another one of his tests for AshLee. She has to go to her dark place. Oh no, not her dark place. You know that place don't you? Everyone knows AshLee's dark place...the one where she was abandoned by her parents, and all those foster homes, and all those trust issues. Sean makes her swim into a very, very dark cave with him. Caves. Why does there have to be a cave? AshLee is uncomfortable with giving up control and having to trust the man of her dreams. Then comes the metaphors supremo...she compares it to love and having to take a risk, cos she has this fear of abandonment. It's scary because she doesn't know what the outcome will be...she doesn't know if Sean feels the same. Then...they swim around the corner...and there's a light! A light at the end of the tunnel. I't like a sign! The Lord be praised. AshLee says Sean makes her feel so loved and cared for! She would marry him tomorrow if he asked. Wow...has anybody ever been so set up for the big fall before on this show? This is going to be bad.

Sean must have had the whole overnight Fantasy Suite date card explanation rehearsed, because he tells AshLee the same crap. She of course agrees to Sean's contract with Jesus. Then she tells him the kind of ring she wants. "I love this man. This man has healed my broken heart". Holy crap, this is really, really going to be bad.

Catherine

They meet on the beach and Sean tells her they are going to cruise around on his junk. I mean it. Yeah, I know it's a Chinese boat. But I had to say it. Sean has some questions for Catherine - her test of love is an oral exam. You know those romantic questions like where do you see this relationship in five years? Sounds like a job interview. It's one of those questions you really dread because there is no real right answer is there? In Catherine's case, she says there will probably be a kid, cos she's traditional that way. Blah, blah, blah. Didn't she have some questions for him, such as benefits? Holidays? What about the possibilty for promotion? And what's the salary for this position? Thank you Ms. Guidici, we will get back to you.

Sean really has this explanation for the overnight dates down pat now. It's the same thing - respect, no boinking, and it's just a chance to talk and really get to know each other without any cameras around. And once again, the girl agrees.  It will only be Sean, Catherine and Jesus in that hotel room.

And, that's it. The overnight, fantasy dates are done. Perhaps the most boring, sexless overnight shows in the history of the show.

But, Sean still has doubts...well the producers have their doubts about a "surprise ending". Sean has to have his gentlemen's time in the shower, then he walks around in his towel. I guess Jesus doesn't care that Sean shows the world his body like that. 

Chris Harrison meets up with Sean to go over Sean's feelings at this point. He quickly reminds Sean that this was the same episode that Emily sent him packing and broke his heart - and asks Sean if he knows whose heart he is going to break? Wow, bummer. Apparently, Sean knows. He says it kills him and it almost breaks his heart. Almost. he had a lot of questions, and those questions were answered. Chris asks him if he's in love - and Sean says yes. So he also knows who he's going to propose to, obviously.

But oh, no...we can't have that. Gotta make it look like there might be a little wiggle room, a little suspense, or else so much for the big romantic ending, right? So Chris makes Sean go through the guilt ridden task of watching videos recorded by each of the final three. Just in case. After all, one might get a last minute reprieve. A stay of execution. That's gotta be fun. Each profess their love for Sean, but the longest video is AshLee. She HAS to remind Sean how she was abandoned as a child, unloved, and on and on. Enough already. It really is like emotional blackmail at this point. She just has to dig it up again and stick it in Sean's face...again. She can't get through it without crying, cos he is the man of her dreams.

But it's not done yet. I guess the videos weren't good enough, because Sean also has to consult the three portraits. The three portraits ill know. They will speak to him and tell him what to do. Must be Jesus talking to him, telling him which demon to get rid of. Yeah Sean...get rid of that Magdalene looking one. She's evil. That's it. So it is written, so shall it be.

Rose ceremony. Chris Harrison tells the girls that this is essentially the last rose ceremony, therefore it's the last opportunity to embarrass someone on national TV. Well, until the last, real Final Rose Ceremony, that is. But this is the last one where we can embarrass someone in front of two other women who have become her friends. Good times. Sean starts...Lindsay. Phew. That was easy. Then he spends 30 minutes getting out the name of the second girl. Catherine looks scared, but AshLee looks terrifying. No, really, I mean it. She is pissed that Sean didn't call her name first...and she's giving him the evil eye, as if to say don't you dare send me home. This is taking so long...Sean looks scared shitless. Like he just wants to get the frack out of there. Finally, he calls Catherine. Oh oh, there's going to be trouble now. AshLee walks past Sean. He follows, but she says "Just stay here". Sean ignores the warning and they stop at the limo. he tries to explain but nothing is coming out right - like he's talking to a brick wall. She just glaring at him, hell, she was using her laser eyes to burn out his brain. Scary, scary stuff. And her confessional in the limo ride? Forget the standard revenge stuff like a flaming bag of dog poop or putting sugar in his gas tank. Oh no. This girl wants to sacrifice a virgin. Maybe even a born-again virgin. Holy Jesus. He's going to have to change his name and move to Hoboken, New Jersey. 

Next week: The Women Tell All, which will be boring except for Thunder Thighs Tierra. Kind of miss her.
 

Recap of Episode 8 The Hometown Dates OR Families Really Suck

We all know that the hometown dates are soooo boring. But did this seem even more so, or what? ALMOST made me wish Sean kept Tierra around for another week...can you imagine meeting crazy Tierra's crazy family? Now that would have been great TV.
Instead, we get this:

Recap of Episode 7: Alien Eyebrow Syndrome

Geez,...this really was "The Tierra Show", wasn't it?

No introduction from Chris Harrison this week - guess he had better things to do. Instead there is a seaplane ride over the island and the girls to to the Buccaneer Hotel. Tierra is unhappy with the sleeping arrangements and immediately sets a cot up in the living room. Probably so she can be the first to jump on Sean whenever he shows up. 

The first 1-on-1 date card arrives. "AshLee, let's get carried away". Tierra's response is "the cougar's back in town". Now considering that Sean is the same age as AshLee, does this make any sense whatsoever? My husband, who is watching the show voluntarily tonight said, "she's an idiot". By the way, he is only watching it to see Thunder Thighs get her ass kicked out tonight. He wanted me to make that perfectly clear.

AshLee makes sure to let us know several times over that she is already in love with Sean. "This is my future husband". They go for a ride on a catamaran and the first thing they talk about? Well Tierra of course! Yeah AshLee, that's what future husbands do - ask you about other women. Of course, AshLee speaks her mind and Sean believes her. Oh but that not all, AshLee has what she believes is a bombshell to drop on Sean. After a lot of hemming and hawing, she tells him she was married in her teens, because she couldn't live with her mom anymore. Wait...didn't she go on and on about being and orphan and how she was adopted by a loving family...she was in tears about it! Seems like AshLee can put her own little spin on her past.

The second date card is "Tierra, let's explore our love in the streets of St. Croix". But poor Thunder Thighs isn't happy about her first 1-on-1 date with her future husband. She wanted an ocean date like AshLee. Waaah! Walking around the town? Yuck. There will be bugs. It's gonna be sweaty. My makeup will run! She meets him at the dock, which must have been a piss off since she wanted to go on a boat. Perhaps the producers were trying to make her cranky. Ya think?

But Thunder Thighs is a real trooper. She sets her face to perky and they go into town to shop for cheap tourist souvenirs. She's all excited. "He bought me the most incredible things". "I like to shop. He knew just where to take me". Yeah Tierra, he knew to take you to the Virgin Island's equivalent of the Dollar Store. A cheap date for a cheap girl. They dance in the streets and Thunder Thighs makes sure to do the boob bounce dance. Sean sits her down to ask her about what AshLee said. Jesus H. Christ Sean, are you trying to set off the thing that came from the lake or what? Can't you just keep your mouth shut? Now Thunder Thighs is very suspicious. She knows someone tipped off Sean. "Someone had the nerve to throw me under the bus!" So Tierra decides to do some damage control and whispers in Sean's ear...just loud enough for the crew to supply subtitles..."I'm falling in love with you". Then she says, "I want you to take that home with you for your consideration". Oh my, whatever can you mean by that, Tierra?

The third date card is for the group date. "Catherine, Desiree, Lindsay - Love is on the horizon". Sean decides to wake the girls up at 4:42 am. And how does he do this? Well...he goes into the suite wielding a flashlight. He seems quite at ease being a creeper. He looks at Thunder Thighs on the cot, who covers her head with the blanket. Ooooh scary stuff right kids? He wakes up the 3 girls. "I know women don't like to be seen without their makeup in the morning...they looked good". Wow Sean you're a real ladies' man!!! They jump in a jeep and go on a road trip. First stop is Port Udall to see the sunrise. Then we are shown a map that traces their stops. What? No little animated car to illustrate the journey. I was half expecting someone to compare love to a road trip. They stop at places called "Cafe", "Sugar Mill" and "Treehouse". I tried looking for these towns, but they weren't on the map I was looking at. I am starting to suspect this show is full of crap. Finally they go to "Sandy Point" to see the sunset. Here, Catherine tells Sean that he won't be meeting her father. He suffers from depression and he attempted suicide in front of her and her sisters. They don't get to see the sunset, cos it's all overcast. Later, Sean gives a rose to Lindsay.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Thunder Thighs is starting to put two and two together. She knows, oh yes, she knows it was that B AshLee that bad-mouthed her to Sean. She's a smart one, that Tierra. And this realization is starting to brew deep down inside her...and then brew some more. But for now, she's going to sit on that information, until the time is right.

The last date is a 1-on-1 with Lesley. "I hope our love stands the test of time". I doubt it with this shows history. And despite all the kissing between Lesley and Sean, I don't think there is anything there. They go to Mt Washington, walk around, then have a sit down. This just doesn't look good. She wants to tell him her feelings, that she is falling in love. Nuh-ah. She can't do it. Instead, she says she wants to go pick fruit. It doesn't look promising for you Lesley. And that's the end of that date.

Poor Sean. He's so confused. And he's so confused about his feelings that he sent for his sister Shay - on her birthday too, so they can have a little chat. I guess a fireside chat with Chris Harrison just didn't cut it. Or maybe, this was pre-arranged for Shay to have a little vacation? 

Shay says, "our biggest fear is that you will get your heart broken". Then she explains that previous Bachelors on this show seem to pick the wrong girls and it never works out. Wow, I'm surprised ABC kept that in there. Cos it's true. While this conversation is going on....

Thunder Thighs just happens to decide this is the right time to confront AshLee. Right. No plot manipulation there. Tierra accuses AshLee of sabotaging her 1-on-1 date. AshLee tells her it's just her attitude, to which Tierra says "Men love me". She argues that she doesn't like everyone acting like they're in high school, when she is a woman fully grow'd. She basically tells AshLee she is too old to be here...she should be married already and have kids...she's a cougar. Tierra runs back to her cot and AshLee wastes no time in running off to tell Catherine and Lesley about the encounter. Thunder Thighs comes running back - why AshLee didn't hear her coming, I don't know. The fight really shifts into high gear now. AshLee tells Tierra she's rude: she doesn't say hello, stays by herself and is always raising her eyebrow at her.

This is where Tierra really goes ape-shit crazy. She yells crap at AshLee such as I can't help it...it's my face. The best one of all was "I can't control my eyebrow". Now I've heard of something similar....Alien Hand Syndrome. That's where people can't control their hand...like it has a mind of it's own. I have heard of "alien hands" trying to hurt other people, or their owners. Like something from a horror movie. Only Tierra has Alien Eyebrow Syndrome. Or AES for short. Poor girl. If I had only known, I wouldn't have made so much fun of her. Wait....no. I'm kidding. Hey maybe somebody should start up a telethon to raise money for research into a cure for AES. Finally, Tierra's eyebrow makes her run off, back to her cot. She cries. Well, she pretends to cry. Oh and by the way Tierra, I hope you never paid for acting classes, because I think you better ask for a refund.

Meanwhile, Sean wants Shay to talk with the girls, so he goes off to get them. ABC really knows how to build drama. And bullshit. Wouldn't bringing Shay in to meet the girls be the logical thing to do - instead of leaving her at a table outside. Hope those chairs were comfortable because she is going to be sitting there for a couple of hours.

Sean gets inside only to find Thunder Thighs in hyper tantrum mode. The tears are flowing...oh wait, those eyes are bone dry. She keeps rubbing them, hoping to irritate up a tear or two. It doesn't work. Oh oh, that's not a symptom of AES is it? My bad. She tells Sean AshLee is mean. She can't take it anymore. Sean goes outside for a walk cos he can't take it anymore. I hope Tierra thought he was going to get a rose, like several times before. Ha. Sean goes back in to tell Thunder Thighs it's best if she goes home. There's no discussion. Sean just walks her out. I guess the Alien Eyebrows called home and Sean stuck her in her spaceship. I mean limo. No bags, nothing. I guess it was just "bye-bye your bags will be dropped off for you back home". Sean finally put out the trash.

So how is it that the other girls didn't know Tierra had left? I mean, if I were one of them, I would be listening in, discretely of course. Or watching out the window. But the five remaining women head off to the Rose Ceremony without Tierra, whom they haven't seen in a few hours. They are wondering where she is and they think she will walk in with Sean with a rose in her hand. What did the producers do? Stick the five of them in a closet so they couldn't see what was going down? Really, I wonder about these things sometimes.

Sean walks in and explains "as you may or may not know, Tierra has gone home."..."I don't want drama". He also says there won't be a cocktail party. Catherine is in shock, and raises an eyebrow. Oh no. That Alien Eyebrow thing isn't contagious is it? AshLee is scared because Sean looked at her when he mentioned drama. Yikes.

Chris Harrison, in his first appearance of the episode, walks in to tell them Lindsay already has a rose, and there are only 3 more roses tonight. Thanks Chris. Everyone knows that next week is the hometown dates and there are 4 of them. So 4 minus Lindsay's rose equals 3. So it's 1...2...3 roses. Boowah-ha-ha. Sean starts:

Des
Catherine

Harrison comes back in to point out there is only one rose left. It goes to AshLee.
Sorry Lesley, but I don't think it would have helped if you had told Sean your feelings, if you had any for him, that is.

Next week: Episode 8 Hometowns. Desiree plays a joke on Sean pretending her brother doesn't think Sean is good enough for her. Catherine has a hard time convincing her family about Sean and the journey, just like the rest of us. Sean is nervous about meeting Lindsay's father - he's a General. Plus ABC has decided to expose us to an extra special episode on Tuesday called "Sean Tells All". Which of course he won't because he won't be telling us his Final Two girls. But apparently there will additional footage from the season.

Preview of Episode 7 - Don't Forget to Thow Out the Trash, Sean

Mondays are garbage day. Why is it that guys always forget that? And why do women always have to remind guys to throw out the trash? Did Sean's sister always have to remind him when they were young? "Sean...Mom says to throw out the garbage". Looks like this week Shay has to go all the way to St. Croix to remind Sean about garbage day.

Here's a preview:

• 1-on-1 Sean and Tierra - They go for a walk through the town. Cheap date for a cheap girl.
• 1-on-1 Sean and AshLee - They have a ride on a catamaran to a private island. Sean asks her about Tierra and she let's him have it. Later that night AshLee tells him her secret...she was married when she was younger.
• 1-on-1 Sean and Lesley - Sean takes Lesley to the Mount Washington Sugar Plantation. She considers telling him how she feels about him, but doesn't.
• Group Date: Sean takes Catherine, Desiree and Lindsay to the east coast of the island to see the sunset, then to the west coast to see the sunset. Who dreams up these dates?
• AshLee gets into a good one with Tierra, accusing her of sabotaging her date with Sean. So Tierra decides to tell Sean of something terrible and shocking from her past.
• Sean's sister Shay visits him on the day of the Rose Ceremony. Apparently it's her birthday. They have a chat and she goes over the kind of girl he doesn't want to marry. So basically, she had to go all the way to St. Croix to remind Sean to throw out the trash...on her birthday no less!!!
• Tierra has another one of her tantrums. ABC is calling it "the biggest meltdown in Bachelor history". Well, we'll see. But the one good thing is, Sean lets Thunder Thighs go. I hope it plays out like this: Tierra does her crying, complains the other girls are picking on her and she wants to go home....then Sean says, "Okay, Bah-Bye". That would be great. Then we hear him contemplate how he dodged a bullet on that one.
• The other elimination: Lesley Murphy. Guess you should have told him you love him.

Recap of Episode 6: Dawn of the Dread OR It Came From the Lake

Part 2 of the two-night bachelor extravaganza begins not with Sean in the shower or even Chris Harrison giving us a little chat - but with mountains and waterfalls and an elk and a grizzly bear. Ah yes, it's Canada! We hear Sean say he loves Canada and although he has never been to Alberta, Lake Louise is the most beautiful lake he has ever seen. I am sure St. Croix will be the most beautiful tropical paradise he has ever seen. And Thailand will be the most beautiful ...I don't know what. Chris tells the girls they are at the beautiful Fairmont Chateau Lake Louise. There will be two 1-on-1 dates and one group date.

The first 1-on-1 date card arrives. Lindsay grabs it and asks everyone, "who hasn't had a 1-on-1 date yet? Tierra, Catherine and Daniella raise their hands. She reads, "Catherine... lets find our fairy tale ending". 

The date starts with Catherine standing in the middle of the Columbia ice field. How did she get there? She's acting like she doesn't remember, despite the fact that it's at least a two hour drive from the hotel. It's like she's experienced missing time...maybe she was abducted by aliens and then dumped in the middle of effing nowhere. Where's a hypnotist when you need one. What's my name? Where's Sean? Where's Santa? Suddenly there's a rumbling. She probably thinks its Thunder Thighs running to meet her. But no...it's a giant snow bus driven by Sean. He gets out and they romp in the snow...during a pretty vicious wind that's blowing snow and ice. They side on a toboggan and make snow angels. It was pretty fracking cold. You could tell because Sean was so much more whiter than usual, especially with the snow in his hair. He looked like an albino snowman. Now remember this, and compare it to the b.s. we see from Tierra later during the group date.

Magically, they are suddenly back at Lake Louise and they jump in a horse-drawn carriage which takes them to an ice castle. Really, it's just a set. I don't think it was real ice. They talk and cuddle and catherine tells Sean her sob story. Why does everyone have to have one? Won't he love someone without a past trauma? Catherine's is about a tree falling and killing a girl at summer camp when she was 12. Sean enjoyed this story...he gives her a rose. I am starting to think he is some kind of masochist. "Tell me your most traumatic life event and if I like it, I'll give you a rose. Nyah-ha-ha". 

The group date card reads: "lets bare our souls". Well, that doesn't sound too good. Wait...is that "bare" or "bear"? Does it have something to do with that Grizzly bear we saw earlier? Either way, sounds like it's gonna suck. Looks like Tierra, Sarah, Lindsay, Lesley, Selma, AshLee and Daniella are about to find out. Daniella is pissed because she has figured out it means she won't be getting a 1-on-1 date with Sean, again! 

It starts with the seven girls and Sean paddling canoes across the lake. Looks like their canoeing skills have improved since that group date last week in Montana. Once there, Sean explains they will be doing a "Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge". Tierra says "It's cold". No shit. Selma says "I'll die" and "Arabs are warm weather people". So she's a no-go. What's wrong Selma? Did you pay too much for those boobies to accidentally freeze them off? Everyone else changes into their bikinis and don the hotel bathrobes. Now let me tell you something...people don't usually wear bikinis for these polar bear dips. There is a life guard and emergency medical personnel on hand. So there's no problem, right? As long as you don't do anything stupid, right? 

Well there she is...Miss Stupid herself, running into the shallow water like an effing crazed maniac. Everyone (except Selma) jump into the water, then come running out and then cover up with their bathrobes and thermal blankets. Just like you're supposed to. Except Thunder Thighs who runs around like a chicken with its head cut off. Oh she knew what she was doing, make no mistake about it. Sorry but there was no accident here. She saw another opportunity to get personal attention from Sean. Sure she was cold. But hypothermia? Nope. If the emergency services thought for once she was in danger she would have gone to the hospital, whether she wanted to or not. That hand shaking was fake...she was not shivering!!! Nobody would stick their hands up like that!!! The girl is psycho. She looked like something from the Walking Dead. Hey maybe she did succumb to the cold and she was in the process of transforming into a zombie. I have certainly seen better looking zombies in The Walking Dead. Run away everyone! You have to shoot zombies in the brain!

Crap...nobody listens to me. We are subjected to the rushing of a despondent Tierra, not to the emergency room, but... to her hotel room bed? What a crock. She even gets the guy to put her socks on for her. Yet she feels good enough to put the oxygen line in her own nose. Well I guess she had to set the scene in time for Sean to get there. Then in he comes to console the Thunder Thighs Zombie Thing that came from the lake. Eeeek. He holds her hand and notices it's warm. She says it's so weird cos the rest of her is so cold. Sean...don't you know that old saying, "warm hands, cold heart"? Or is it the other way around? Whatever. Tierra proves they're both true. He tells her to stay in bed. The other girls think she won't be going to the after party. But this is Tierra. Of course, she feels better. She's dressed and ready for the party in record time. Meanwhile the other girls are already at the party celebrating the No-Tierra fun they are going to have. They are having a great time making fun of her, then in she walks. They are stunned. I'm not. Sean goes through the usual chat time with each girl. Sarah shows him pictures of her family and of her as a little girl. Awkward time. They kiss. It's an awkward peck. Later, much to Thunder Thigh's dismay, Sean gives the rose to Lesley. Maybe Tierra is second guessing her stunt. Is she starting to think she pushed the b.s. too far?

Sean comes to the conclusion that there is one woman here that he just doesn't see having a life with. He doesn't want to put her through an elimination at the rose ceremony the next day. (this was obviously shown out of sequence because next up we will be seeing Sean's date with Desiree "the next day"). He goes into the party and pulls out Sarah. He tells her the kiss didn't click, that it was a stretch. Sarah feels blindsided by it and embarrassed - "It's always the same...they always say you're an amazing girl, you'll make someone a good wife". I really don't think she was crying about losing her chance with Sean as much as she was crying about her previous life experiences. Funny how Sean didn't want to put her through a rose ceremony elimination, but it was okay for her to have to face the embarrassment of a personal one on one kiss off. With all the usual excuses.

"The next day" is Desiree's 1-on-1 date with Sean. They walk up a mountain path and Sean explains there's a picnic...at the bottom. Desiree is shocked to learn she has to repel 400 feet down the mountain cliff. Okay...here's a big clue Desiree...where did you think you were going? Shopping? Every single time these people go "up" on this show, there is always some dumb way that they have to get "down". Hey Desiree, it could have been worse - at least you didn't have to climb up a cliff like Selma and have Sean looking up at your ass. Please Desiree...please don't say that climbing down a mountain is just like a relationship. Oh crap, she did. They have their picnic and then they go to a teepee for a chat. Desiree tells him she grew up in a tent in a trailer park. Well once again...it could have been worse - it's a good thing you didn't get Selma's date at the trailer park. That would have been awkward. She gets a rose for that story. Then they yell in unison "1...2...3...Hello Canada!!!". You know I thought I heard that. Last October, right. Wow, I thought I was just hearing things. I did yell "Hello" back. Did you hear it Sean?

At the party before the Rose Ceremony, Sean explains how he was not a happy guy last week in Montana, but he has had a great week in Canada. But his conversations tonight will be important. Duh. Your goal is to find a wife, so when aren't your conversations important? First up, Selma. She is wearing a tight yellow dress which is pushing her bazongas up around her neck. She tells Sean she didn't have the courage to jump in the lake, but she now has the courage to kiss him. Worst kiss ever. Trying to look virtuous. Like it was her first kiss or something. Later, she explains "Mom, please forgive me but I had to bring out the big guns tonight". I don't think she was talking about the kiss so much as the badonka-donks. Which religion is it that makes you feel uncomfortable kissing in public, yet you feel totally at ease with your boobies popping out? then AshLee has her time with Sean, just to remind him that she was adopted. Sean talks with Lindsay and asks her to tell him something he doesn't know. She tells him she sleeps naked. Now everyone knows. The most amazing thing about the whole party? There wasn't a peep from Thunder Thighs. Shhh, don't complain about it.

He supposedly has no idea who he is sending home tonight. And of course, everyone is hoping it's Tierra. Catherine, Lindsay and Desiree have roses. Chris Harrison shows up to tell us there are only 3 roses and two will leave tonight. Sean starts handing out the roses:

Lindsay gets the first one. Then AshLee. So Tierra, Daniella and Selma are left standing there. Chris has been keeping track of the roses. So he comes out to tell them it's the last rose tonight. Drumroll. Tierra gets the last one. Selma and Daniella get to do the walk of shame. Bye-bye.

Next week, it's off to St. Croix. There will be another Terrible Thunder Thighs Tierra Tantrum. But Sean just may call Tierra's bluff.

Who's That Letter From?

Last night, at the end of Episode 5, there was a new preview for the rest of the season, and in it we see Sean at the Final Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison gives him a letter. Then there is a shot of Sean getting all teary eyed. So...who is it from and what does it say? Lets run down the possibilities.

• Reality Steve. Oh God, wouldn't that be great!!! He wrote Sean a letter to apologize for spoiling his season, and complaining about ABC suing his ass. Or maybe Steve is thanking Sean for being his informant. "Sean,...Thanks for all the updates! It really made my life easier this season. Sorry the whole world knows you proposed to Catherine. And remember, if Fleiss asks, you never met me. Best wishes with Catherine, Steve." Just kidding.
• Emily Maynard. Is she wishing Sean well? Is this another chance of her extending her 15 minutes? Doubtful. If she were to have written it, I don't think it would have been given to him at the FRC.
• Tierra LiCausi. Oh God let's hope not. Is this a campaign for her being the next Bachelorette. Don't worry, she won't be. Is Tierra turning into a little stalker? Maybe. But last night, when the losing team was invited to the party, and Thunder Thighs was getting her knickers in a knot, she was writing in a notebook. Oh I am sure ABC wants us to believe it's from her. Just to stir up the pot.
• Kacie Boguskie. Is this another token of their "friendship"? Ah, No.
• Desiree Hartsock. Only if ABC is thinking of Des as the next Bachelorette.
• Lindsay Yenter. Could be. Chris gives Lindsay's love letter to Sean just before he gives her the big kiss off. It's certainly in keeping with the producers' not giving a crap about the contestants, embarrassing the hell out of them. or is it part of a scheme to promote Lindsay as the next Bachelorette? Hmmn.
• Sean's sister Shay. Another possibility. We know Shay will show up in St. Croix. Is this a letter from her wishing him luck? There is a strong possibility here. Sean has been promoted all season as "the family-oriented bachelor", so it could be a letter from Shay and his family.
• Catherine Guidici. Since ABC has been playing the edit game with Catherine and Sean and not showing their interaction, maybe this is their way of increasing our interest in their "journey". Don't forget, since ABC haven't shown us much of Catherine, there won't be much of the montage they show after the proposal. So they need some other way to review their "journey".

So, my money would be on the letter being from Catherine. But then again, maybe Lindsay. Or Shay. Or Steve.

Recap of Episode 5: Double, Double, Toil and Trouble, Fire Burn and Cauldren Bubble.

For the first time this season, we are not treated to shots of Sean in the bathroom without his shirt. Instead we get Chris Harrison opening the show. Ugh! He comes in to talk to the girls and demonstrate his remarkable ability to count women. "There's 11 of you now". Gee thanks Chris. Glad you cleared that one up. I was a bit confused. He also tells them they have 1 hour to pack their bags and get to the airport, because they're going on a worldwide tour. What...is this The Amazing Race now? The first stop is Montana, yee haw! Worldwide tour? Really? Since when is Montana, Alberta, St. Croix and Thailand a worldwide tour?

Double Episodes, Double Drama, Double Trouble Preview

Just in case you haven't heard, we will be subjected to two episodes next week, which means we will be subjected to double the crap from Thunder Thighs. So, here's a little preview...with some spoilers (yeah here's that warning...don't read if you don't want to know):